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The Monster Unveiled and Challenged

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A Monster unleashed in New York - August,1999

11/09/99 - Sat - Antwerp (Belgium) - Last night I babysat MC's children, and his daughter was enriching company. We couldn't speak much. Her English (and my French/Vlamms) is too uncertain. But we explored inanimate material - and how to turn these things into amusing games. She is similar to Rachel (age-wise), so it gave me valuable experience on communication skills with this age group. She could be delightful (sometimes) or a little annoying (sometimes). But her natural inclination, given a free rein, was to vent expression that ranged rapidly from one point to another of those extremes. When she grows enough for it, she will probably find the persona of Helen (of Troy) delightful.
Rachel, however, has (even from our little time together) shown no trace of Helen. Rather, she has shown a powerful capacity for constancy. She has had to walk the path of Orpheus, much like I. She seems to already understand that faith in someone can yield a richer reward than anything else life can bring... if that faith, despite all moments of doubt, is vindicated.
The idea of this faith probably comes from the re-assurances of Paula (her mother), my brother and whatever tokens of communication I did utilise. In the end, however, she needed a strong inner belief. Upon our meeting at Heathrow Airport it resulted in her belief transforming into a will that sought to re-assure me as much as I sought to reassure her.
The peaceful friendship that is Paula/Brian is, in itself, a healthy promise; but Rachel/Brian is a flower that has a mutual will to be nurtured. I stand by the words in my song, "The Labyrinth":
'I'll never take the Labyrinth once more
because it's you I am searching for'
Meeting Rachel signified the Labyrinth exit. Gill/Brian and the events of New York could have plunged me into a Labyrinth of emotional disappointment and escapism that would have (as a side consequence) seen me lose Rachel once more - as I lose myself in manipulation and counter manipulation with people here who are ultimately only out for themselves and the way they can play with me.
So, my visualisation is best directed at practical. How to secure my living arrangements in Antwerp... and how to secure my freedom of movement from (and to) Antwerp. The welcome of Kriso is renewed and is valid until he moves. That gives space and time to study options. MC has offered a room in his place. I can store my belongings in this. In emergencies, I can stay there, but at the moment it is best kept only for emergency. It is a small room - ideal for creativity, but not for Winter quarters. But some option will probably arise (given time) for Winter quarters, if I need them.
Shooting off to Switzerland would be escapist.... and a plunge into another Labyrinth, if it was simply to get away from emotional disappointment.
Gill/Brian should be removed from its state of conflict and differences analysed, alongside any shared purpose (if any). Truth and illusion should be as clearly defined as possible, but the level of trust I put her way should be heavily rationed if there is cause for future interaction. The most likely avenue for interaction is creative, or creative projects.... but instead of all the way and time intensive it should be a slow evolvement (as a side project), seeking to build something for the Spring or late Winter. But Gill/Brian may prove to be a conflict taken to extremes, until co-operation becomes unwanted (or simply impractical) through insufficient will or belief.
One signpost could have been Agnes, but she leaves for India next month. I may gain practical ideas from her, so she promised to seek me out. If the desire is in her for this then this may happen. She had always projected an air of warmth toward me.
Any visit to Switzerland has to be based on practical matters, not on emotional escapism. Above all, the practicality of maintaining Rachel/Brian in regular contact must over-ride barriers set before me by logistics and emotional commitments that come my way.
My dreams were vivid and varied last night:
Once more, Tom Barman emerged in one dream. In this I was playing and singing with dEUS and Tom spoke of his observation, "Last year you would have been too much to handle as a member of a group. You would have been a depressing ambience backstage for all the other band members."
Another dream also spoke of this team spirit idea. I was in Italy - and I sought to enter a stadium to play for my football team. But the security guards insisted I should have this document, or that document... and that I should have applied to this office, or that office. The last two security guards were less strict, but they insisted on abiding by the rules.
So I called out to Bart (Tightrope), who I saw inside the stadium. He came my way, and demanded I be let in to play for the team. Still the guards were doubtful, but less so. So I moved in with a damning remark....
"Do you have this system for all foreign teams playing here?"
"Yes, we do," they answered.
"And you have denied entrance to members of these teams, because of this technicality?"
"Yes, we have," they admitted, ruefully.
"So your team has a better chance of winning because of this?"
They had to admit this was true. They let me pass.
My attitude, before all this, was reluctance to even want to be at this place. But the manager expected, and wanted, me there.
Tom Barman seems to be some kind of commentator for me in my dream world. Perhaps the Rachel/Brian re-connection removes the dark edges of my psyche that had been wrought by despair and guilt. It meant I inspired, yet deterred, those who bore me love this past year. Gill/Brian could almost be the manifest expression of the end conflict in this. Meeting Rachel would lead to an inevitable re-colouring of Brian. It would be cause for alarm as well as celebration for someone strongly
connected emotionally to me. The dark energies of Gill were brought to the fore and catalysed by the dark energies of Brian before, and after, his encounter with Rachel.
Gill took the path of extremes. I was in a turmoil of extremes. Too much was happening inside me to even know how to deal with Gill's desire to address our relationship status. The strange, volcanic, moody Brian that entered New York disturbed everyone - and doubly so, Gill. I was not comfortable to be with at all. Gill had not the strength, or (it seems) the desire, to deal with me. She is more comfortable with superficial. That is her defence.
The monster that clawed me on inner levels surfaced onto outer levels, as I sought to emerge from the Labyrinth. It made everyone nervous. It made me confused. Gill extracted the monster by her intent to desert me, just when I needed her most. Desertion became betrayal. To banish the monster I had to banish Gill. The monster was banished onto inner levels, awaiting suppression and self assessment.
To move forward I should seriously note Tom Barman's advice. There is no need for the monster anymore. Brian/Rachel has been reached and the Labyrinthal hauntings, and the stalking of its monsters, is past.
The final monster that emerged so forcibly was the Labyrinth. It was the monster who guarded the exit. If I failed to recognise this, and sought to 'fight my reflection', then inexorably the Labyrinth would close once more around me. This is a clear message - and a clear lesson for me.
Everyone needs to be re-assessed with a new optimism, based on realism. All dark areas of emotional conflict at this point of my life were catalysed by my imprisonment in the Labyrinth.
Gill/Brian is not a matter where I should behave childishly or selfishly - not anymore. It was necessary up until now. But now I have, through my dreams and intuition, the basis of post-Labyrinthal Brian.
Maybe you will shout at me for my 'weakness'. But I will seek to reconcile Gill/Brian and eradicate the conflict into post-Labyrinthal peace, even if that peace involves Gill/Brian never interacting again. But the souls should have peace with each other.
Maybe you will ask, "Why aren't you angry? Why are you surrendering? What about the way she hurt you? How can you forgive and forget that?"
The answer is, "It isn't a question of forgetting. To forget the experiences of your life is to waste your life, if they are matters of soul reaching lessons. Nor is it forgiveness. It is merely acceptance that the conflict happened... and two people felt the desire to have this conflict. But acceptance that it has happened is enough, once the bruises have healed and looking forward becomes impeded by inner bitterness.
I have Rachel/Brian. I lost Gill/Brian.
Now I can accept this. "
As for the conflict, it is stored (in essence) in my new song.... my side of the fence is aired and my opinion on things. Without a new peace there can be no new contentment and acceptance that certain moments have passed, leaving little relevance to new paths.
Brian/Rachel represents a new path. All other paths will fall in, or fall away.
The problem over the New York trip (and before this) was my view of Brian/Rachel and Brian/Gill, both up there high in my life. Gill had not this wish anymore. She wanted Brian/Gill as some kind of brother/sister bond, like Evi. But my experience of Evi does not make such an idea attractive.
One sister is enough.
Also, I needed time to gain acceptance of the sudden end of Brian/Gill.... to accept that 'all the way' is not possible, nor desirable. Gill used her energy badly (and at the wrong time) to gain acceptance from me of anything but conflict. But now Brian/Gill is lost there is no longer cause for conflict.
The Monster in Gill must be banished.

I played the side terrace (Karbonkel) on the Groen Platz and then settled down on the Cafe Centra for a drink. It was around 8.30pm. Within four minutes of this, Gill arrived on her bike. I went over to her. She claimed she was looking for me. She had seen Annie and John Swift earlier in the evening... and had been asking them where I might be. She spoke to me of a 'monster' that had to be dealt with.
Whatever there is between us, our radar is active and clear.
As it was five o'clock that she made her first 'find Brian' effort at the Cafe Centra, and as it was five o'clockish when I was writing the stuff before this latest account? Who knows which of us implanted this new 'monster' philosophy within our radar?
Her line of reasoning corresponds closely with mine: what was good and healthy became bad and unhealthy as we grew "locked up", after Portugal, in the cramped space of her appartment. She could offer no explanation for the 'Lenny' thing - other than lust. As the 'monster' lay between us the attraction of body was the first thing to go.
As Vera once said, " It is hard to feel attractive in the evening to someone you were arguing with over the bills in the morning."
Gill dismissed Lenny as a sexual thing that had no moment.
But now we have banished our 'monsters' and I have no demands on her, while she has no demands on me. We can shape our lives as we will, but we are committed to continuing the duo.... with (on her side) the idea of 'good friends'. On my side, it is a case of coming to new conclusions about where she fits into my life. The 'monster' is banished, but the cynic within me is not. I take her with a pinch of salt. In my view, this is a healthy reflection of Brian/Gill.
It seems the idea of Helen (of Troy) appeals to her. Having had the definition of the concept ( and having recognised the persona) she seeks the exploration as something that will maintain her idea of health (through not being 'locked up').
But the world of Helen is a tortuous one, unless you are indigenous.
12/09/99 - Sun - Said Gill, "It was not you! It was me! The way I felt locked up... not ready for relationship. I met you at the wrong time..... when I wasn't ready. It would have been better for us to have met at a time when I was ready."
"No!" I countered, " When I come into someone's life, it is because it is the right time for me to be there. There has been much benefit for you... and me, because we came together when we did."
She agreed, and then told me how dismayed she was by my claim that the whole Brian/Gill effort was a waste of energy. But while the monster prowled, in New York, that was how it felt. She was enamoured (like me) by the beautifully balanced and natural pre-Portugal days when time together was treasured and time apart was functional in our worlds of pursuit. Even Portugal (and the immediate period following our return) was good (overall), but....
"From two weeks before New York I felt myself locked up," said Gill, " This had the effect of making me decline in health. It wasn't you. It was me. If I didn't end the relationship I would have gone down and become seriously ill."
A mere reflection of the unhealthy state we had fallen into. I felt just as locked up.
Like me, she still doesn't understand how we fell from our natural relationship balance into the restricting, unhealthy situation that followed Portugal.
Our reasoning was, " It is only for four weeks. Let us live together, despite the lack of space, until New York. We can rehearse together, duo together more easily... and ease the cost of daily living by joint efforts."
But Gill's return to the Tightrope troupe (after Portugal) left Brian/Gill entirely locked up in the same world. Suddenly today and the next day would be mapped out in Gill's mind and it had us planning to do this or that. I couldn't see a solution. It seemed important that we did these things. Gill couldn't see a solution. We became imprisoned by our choices.
In relative terms, the period between Portugal and New York was not long. In actual perception it proved too long and its suffocation led to the repulsion (and conflict) of New York. Only time will tell where Brian/Gill stands, but, like me, Gill did not enjoy New York.
We were both torn to pieces by the monster.


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