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Something lost with the Monster

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A Monster unleashed in New York - August,1999

13/09/99 - Mon - Antwerp (Belgium) - The panic within my soul has ceased for now, because the panic within me (as it seems to me now) was the panic Gill's soul projected my way. Both of our souls were panicking, and one of us must have triggered the initial panic in the other. Gill's soul eluded the chains of the mind... and because of this the soul speech of yesterday was possible. The souls of Gill/Brian are now contentedly re-assured. My heart/mind/body understands the message of the 'speech' in its potential.... patience. For analogy, the image floating in my head is Richard Burton/Elizabeth Taylor. The image appeared to me first in New York. Now it has a feeling of real substance.
For Gill, it is a time of re-asserting control of the mind onto suppression of her soul and body. We meet for rehearsal on Wednesday afternoon, "But I am going to visit a friend, Carmel, in the evening."  So Brian... we rehearse, then you go. That way, Gill gets her advantage and keeps within the cold, logical system that will bring her success on a creative level, on material fronts.
But yesterday the souls of Brian/Gill were released from the barriers of earthbound restriction - and the souls danced, and laughed, and spoke of timeless love. They spoke of the games already played, teasingly, and they laughed at them. They spoke of love, and more games in the future - over many months, and even years. Gill/Brian would happen again, as long as we have the duo.
The mechanics of the telepathic line (message link) is that emotions are picked up and these emotions affect your own mood. The strong Brian/Gill energy line is reminiscent of Clio. This journal documents my observations on Brian/Clio. It is a curious feature that before New York, and in the last week of my stay at Gill's place, I became highly confused by my perception of persona. It was as though Gill was Clio... and Clio was Gill. I would be expecting Clio to emerge from an adjoining room, or Gill.... and I had trouble remembering that Gill wasn't Clio. All of this confusion was a real dilemna on some inner energy line.
But the blanking of Lenny/Gill and the two weeks of non-communication on outer levels for Brian/Gill has seemingly had the effect of clearing away this confused perception on the inner, tangled energy line. In addition, it has magnified the power of the Brian/Gill connection, because it was the only way we could seek to discern what is going on inside each other. Thus, the re-assurance of our soul speech yesterday was the only effective cure for the soul sickness that seemed to linger within us. The outer, verbal reconciliation of Saturday was not enough to ease my soul.
For the moment, the well spaced interaction between us is healthy and desirable. It may be Gill imagines I don't view it this way, but that is her problem. I need the space, as much as her, to think myself through... and to build, or re-build, connections to other people and other aims... to establish purpose and balance on a broad front.
So the calming of my soul, and Gill's, leaves me able to cope with moving forward into re-shaping myself. In stages, I will undertake new birth.
There is still time to hitch up with someone into relationship. It remains Summer and the Fall (dying season) often comes up with romantic stimulation. But, right now, there seems nothing to be seen. It's not practical to visit Switzerland... at least, not until my brother's visit is over. Most of my romantic loose ends and possibilities lie there in Bern. Here in Antwerp, there are only old, somewhat tired, stories. But there are female bonds that represent pleasant company. Ruana leads this, but she is evidently working until eleven. Tina is in the States. Char is wherever she is. Mieke has had her child... a son, and she lives 30 or 40km outside Antwerp.
Mieke and Char were the most notable collapse of line since the start of Brian/Gill, which, itself, seemed such a strong line that it wouldn't quickly finish in full relationship sense. But it did.
14/09/99 - Tues - Being aware that Ruana is working evenings I resolved to try phoning her daytime. So I did. She was in, and although the phone ate up money fast the 70bfr it cost me to catch up briefly on each other and arrange a meeting was money well spent. She agreed to meet me on Daggeradplatz at one in the afternoon, Friday. She needs to be home by four, so the two hours I would want for Brian/Ruana, as a minimum, looks achievable. I walked home (after the call) with a bounce to my step and, on arrival, I sat down on a sofa, clenched my arms and said, "Yesss!!!!"
More than any female in the life of Brian, since '94, Ruana stands as a constant factor - a thread that connects my emotional history. In essence, since '95, she has always been there - a phone call away - awaiting a matter of will (on both sides) for face to face. If actual meeting is not possible (or desirable) then we have the phone to exchange our latest thoughts.
This initial meeting is important as a stepping stone to moving forward, on emotional levels, and... because it is Ruana on inspirational levels. She can give me something inexplicable, on inner levels, that no other female (aside from Judy) can emulate. That the bond of Brian/Ruana, cemented physically in Balazuc, has ridden storms of doubt, despair and apparent surrender makes the line of extreme value to me.... and the desire of Ruana to meet me indicates a value, within her mind, of our connection.
Thus, a portion of our self value is placed on our line, and how we view the energies received from each other. We see advantages in our own minds and, somehow, the line (without pressure) gives us something, even if the advantages do not manifest onto their hoped for level. Still, we seem to give each other something without much effort.
I can just call her, and that gives her something. It gives me something. But when we meet? She can make me feel ten foot tall with one sentence, or one hug. Just the thought of meeting her on Friday has put a bounce into my soul - and the smallness within me (the severe energy loss of recent experience) has been balanced... and Brian feels larger, and stronger, than he did two hours ago.
On more selfish (but necessary) levels, it places me onto a position where there is (at last) a greater equality. Brian/Gill, and the events it undertook, were all happening in a world where it seemed to be 'raining men'... and where there was a woeful drought of females. This gave her the power to be 'Helen'. She used the power to extract her view of advantage, and I was simply another prisoner in her web.
But now, Gill's definition of what we should be makes Brian/Gill no more powerful than Brian/Ruana. Only our creative project raises the importance level. She is saying, "Good friends?"..... well, Brian/Ruana are good friends, and with a proven track record of coming through thus. It is even possible Brian/Ruana can agree on a new commitment to a creative project. We did so before. We could do so again. We have already stated our wish to attempt this, but space and time were never there. If space, time and will co-incide conveniently, the prospects of Brian/Ruana working together on creative projects (from next week on) could emerge. It would help beef up my artistic versatility this coming Winter.
It may be that we will meet, exchange news and views, and wait another three or four months before meeting again. But I am ready for either side of Brian/Ruana: increased contact and manifest purpose, or the usual sporadic (but soul lifting) face to face exchange of news and views. It would be great to have two male/female duo projects, but it is not the reason for meeting Ruana....
Brian/Gill meet tomorrow for the business of rehearsal.
Brian/Ruana meet on Friday, and the purpose of this (to my mind) is pleasure.
On emotion and mind levels, it is thus that Gill will find herself challenged. The very implication of meeting Ruana loosens me from the web of Gill, energywise. If this doesn't bother her, then the loosening will intensify... and the creative project, plus our working relationship, will become the essential nature of the bond. Maybe Gill is right. Maybe the love between us should be placed on the creative project, and expressed through it. She is, after all, the business mind in this.
As for the general front, I have little motivation, or direction, or connection with the world. My overall determination to pull myself together, materially or practically, is low - almost as though I no longer care.
This is a real problem. On a solo performance level, I feel uninspired - and I can not get inspiration, not even with my new song from last week. In fact, the song has an opposing effect - it depresses me. I don't know why!
Maybe because I know, and remember too well, the source, the misery and the heartbreak from which it comes.
15/09/99 - Weds - The Gill/Brian rehearsal was of little inspiration to me, aside from a tape she recorded of two new songs sung acapello. There is a big difference rehearsing with the optimism of vibrant love, torehearsing to the vague dictates of some obscure, half-purpose, with the mind as the dominant force.
The ecstatic feel of Brian/Gill facing the world together is now no longer evident - and this takes away a large chunk of my sense of purpose, and belief in the achievement capability of our project.
Her mind has kept her 'busy' this week, but she is hoping to get a job with a guy who presents children's shows.... and that would tie her up for May, June, July next year. In the event we maintain rehearsal and eventually gig, we would have reached our prime by that time next year.
I really wonder whether this duo will just fritter away. I guess I should see how rehearsal next week goes. But to work with a male/female project... and to be met with no welcome/goodbye hug, is a way of saying, "What is this? Where is the chemistry?"
Of course, it is her mind seeking to curfew the soul... but to suppress the love that inspires a creative male/female duo is not healthy. It's fairly true to say that full relationship is not workable.... not the way we tried to work it. But the element of love has to be strongly evident, or we (let alone anyone else) will not be inspired to believe in the whole thing. Maybe she is scared of herself at present, and scared I may weaken her resolve to maintain her independence?
But the parts of her she consequently displays tends to be the parts of her I don't especially love. This will drive my soul away... and the love will fade into a dusty storage room somewhere in my heart. As new purpose and affection dims the memory of the entrance to that dusty storage room, it will come down to assessment of our duo on levels of success rather than the will and joy within my soul. In a sense, it is a co-operation that (like Ruana) may simply end up as dismissable for a working project, because the mind sees more advantage (and sense) in other directions of their life.
There is no doubt in my mind that the duo idea I sought to manifest with Gill and Ruana is, if faithfully followed through, a sure recipe for success. But the emotional chemistry needs to be right, and a sense of a bond beyond the duo needs to be acknowledged, alongside a sense of relaxation with each other's company. An essential ingredient for this is the greetings/farewell hug.
16/09/99 - Thurs - Today heralds a major 'first' in my emotional life, on an underlying wish field. I had just woken up, and it was late.... 1pm in the afternoon. I hadn't slept too well. I heard what could have been knocking on the front door, but the noisy environment of Guldensporen often misleads on this and I end up ignoring the knocking or chasing down to find no one there. But, as I planned to get up, I investigated. I wasn't dressed, so I went to the mid-floor window, opened it and gazed down....
It was Ruana!
She could only visit for half an hour or so... and she had come to tell me our plannedmeeting tomorrow would be too much interfered with by her schedule to be relaxed and long enough. But that was the first time in the history of of Brian/Ruana that she has come to visit me at the place where I am living... and by her own inclination.
She could have just showed up tomorrow... and told me of her change of schedule. It would have represented a far from quality meeting, because she would have things on her mind. That would have placed Brian onto medium (or less) importance, as things stand.
She could have just not shown up, as has been the case when Brian was of low importance.
But her arrival here today, and her desire for a quality Brian/Ruana meeting, places the line onto a point where it seems Brian is, once more, high importance.


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