24/10/98 - Sat - Heading to Solothurn dispersed the gloomy mood
enough to function, as a duo, with Philip. We played a compartment of the train to cover the outgoing fare - 36sfr, left 5sfr
each as profit from the effort. But we could only do so much (in Solothurn)...and my share was 55sfr. Added to the paltry
afternoon effort I guess I could claim to have scraped almost 90sfr from the day, but without much actual profit.
Banking up yesterday, I found I had 150sfr - and, for the Indian meal I was making with Jarru, an
expensive shopping prospect. I drew 40 out, resolved to try to earn what I can of the shopping money, but I was not in the
mood for the Munster terrace. So I pitched by the Zytglogge for an hour or so. It was slow, but three 5sfr pieces lifted the
take to 26sfr - and playing the Federal terrace pulled in 14sfr. Such a co-incidental sum as 40sfr earnt told me things were
meant to be, so relax. I bought the food and wine - and set about cooking my Chicken Korma when I got back to Kehrsatz.
Sarah arrived around eight and we hugged much, but my mind was on the cooking so it was hard to
fully feel the closeness. But she said, " I missed you! I was looking in the centre for you this afternoon!".
I didn't get into the centre until half three. She would be on her way back to work by then.
As a 'daughter' may choose, she spoke of staying overnight at a guy's place last night, but the
guy's girlfriend turned up to cause a strange situation....though there was no technical reason for jealousy. But Sarah does,
however, admit to strong feelings for this guy.
Fine! She is clearly soul searching, so she must investigate her options.
I have no demands on her. The father/daughter thing suits me. If we go further than that - equally
But, as it stands, I find it hard to see much in the way of ascent. But who knows what will
We plan to meet on Sunday. It may be my last contact with her this trip, because on Monday (or Tuesday)
I plan to head to Antwerp. On a basic level, I'm feeling weary of puppy games here in Bern.
I would guess the 'dying season' (Autumn) will mean just that for my emotional activity, although
Antwerp may offer some form of interest there. In the end, it is which (if any) Swiss females find their way there (in
Antwerp) that will probably best sort through who counts.
On Evi, when I mentioned her, Sarah said, "You should talk to her! It was all a misunderstanding!"
Maybe it was...and Evi was not lying about me, or bringing me down. Maybe Sarah wanted her space
to play her puppy games? And Evi just wanted her space?
Then fine! Why not just say that and make a balanced agreement?
Maybe because they guess at Brian and his ways - and fit it into the wrong visualisation box.
Sarah was investigated by Brian in the only practical way possible - through soul and body.
It was to plant a seed...and to see what could flower. Not to expect a flower. It is strange how people seeking social freedom
nonetheless believe others can only see in black and white.
Rational thoughts become more difficult when someone DOES mean a great deal to you. Evi and I may
be a story of irrational thoughts and actions, based on images of emotional rejection. As I don't know if I'm likely to see
her before I leave, it may be a question left hanging, forever unanswered - although Fate may choose for this not to
be so. But if that is the case, then it must be all sorted this week, because Kehrsatz is likely to be fully occupied soon.
The attempt by Philip and Jarru to maintain a spare room for guests was a brave thing, but not achievable....although
I'm sure they can find space for short term visitors. For me, it seems my path leads away from Bern in the foreseeable future.
The people who may truly matter will seek me out one day - or prove they don't really matter.
This is a good place to be for emotional stimulation, but much of it has a plastic, unendurable
feel. Maybe the next time I'm back this way I'll have the taste for such things back.
The dinner was successful, with Sarah, Ana, Morris and Seena...plus Philip and Eliot as the guest
diners. Sarah left at eleven, alongside Seena and Morris, while Eliot tried too hard to be the entertaining guest. As the
conversation fell too much to talking 'dope' it wasn't inspirational - and I suspect Jarru and Ana felt that keenly also.
But it was an ok night.
Sarah and I hugged at the train station, but I found it hard to pull together the soul onto it.
Frankly, I can take it or leave it at this point. Either way...I just get on with my life.