25/10/98 - Sun - Bern (Switzerland) -
I showed Evi the text of my new song - angry words, painful words, damning conclusion. She didn't deserve them. But that was how
I felt and writing the song led to a swifter inner healing than I may have achieved without the creation. The song reveals
a deep love for the person (or persons) of its vitriol - and is a classic exposure of the 'betrayal of love'...that can lead
(unaddressed) to the sad side product 'hate'. So the song has its own life, and its own meanings, that live beyond the distortion
of the "sense of betrayal".
To find the "betrayal of love" was a false sense leads to the "sense of contrition"...and awareness
that you, yourself, are not as well thought out as you imagined...that there are things you must do to improve your attitudes
and faith in other people.
For all my emotional experience (and study of emotions) I found my forty four years become meaningless
- and I reverted to childish behaviour. But it was based on sorrow...and the "sense of betrayal" of love is so powerful that
the inclination is to hurt, rather than heal, just to show how very hurt you, yourself, are.
But Brian/Evi reconciled - and a building block was placed over the ashes of Lone Wolf. Evi invited
me to dinner at the WG. I went, but it was immensely hard sitting in that kitchen initially. The energy waves of the place
haunted me with the lost spirit of Lone Wolf. Deep inside, I felt the sorrow afresh.
Eventually, this passed - and the new Brian re-surfaced. There was Chriggu in the WG. Even this
was difficult at first. Sarah is away until tonight. Dinner and wine re-freshened the ambience eventually and Evi and I went
to drink at the Reithalle.
As we passed the Reithalle cafe a female coming the other way turned out to be Tanya. For the first
time she seemed to be happy, as she said cheerfully, "Hello!"
We greeted her also...and then Evi and I went into the Reithalle bar. It was busy and we knew it
would be awhile before we could get a chair, but, as we stood at the bar, Tanya came walking from the cafe into the bar. She
came to stand before us...and I knew why. She gave a flash of those eyes meeting mine and dynamite exploded (as usual) within
my head. But the French 'Bennie'-ish guy, who also sat at that table in the Blues bar way back, came into the bar and spoke
"Where are you going? You were supposed to meet us in the CAFE!"
It was with a gentle concern that he said this. It seems Tanya has many good 'souls' watching over
her, but she wants a 'line' (bond) to me. I read that clearly. I want a line to her, but I don't even know how well
she speaks English. My Deutsch is pidgeon stuff.
It is a thing that may remain unknown. But I love her, soul to soul, and through Char it seems I
know Tanya quite well - and what those eyes are saying. It was her soul that double-backed her to where Evi and I stood at the
bar. She chose to forget all other meetings and matters - and simply wanted the soul speech of Tanya/Brian. I don't think
I'm wrong in this, because it was how I felt.
But Evi/Brian is my manifest soul link...and the Bennie guy was intended for Tanya on this night.
Tanya/Brian must wait for another day...that may possibly never come. But maybe my soul said the right things to hersoul and
her happiness is already being achieved.
Evi and I sat on the floor awhile until seats in the upper balcony became available.
Anada arrived eventually, and she waved a greeting, with,
"I'm pleased to see you two together again!"
Anada helped me much with this. She is unusual for me, because I can't see anything about her I
26/10/98 - Mon - I read a segment of my '94 journal (Brian/Char)
to Sarah, as she lay in bed with her head nestled on my thigh. The reading was intended to help her sleep, but her hand occasionally
stroked my leg to indicate she was still aware of the story. The story itself (just in case she listened) had a relevance
to the 'now', because it dealt with trying to put rationale onto soul and body love.
For me, it is an urgent, crucial matter, but somehow, it would feel corny placing over-dramatic
onto it...yet, at the same time, maybe it is more dramatic than I imagine.
This makes me confused...and aware there is a boundary line that has to be crashed through, or kept
firmly in place. To misjudge which is to get it wrong in both our minds.
Does she, or does she not, want to make love?
If she has the father/daughter thing in her mind and heart, then she may consider full sex as a
boundary line not to be breached. It may leave her feeling used if it is breached through a moment of high passion and emotion.
I lay on top of her and my manhood was poised at the entrance to her...
Yeah, I wanted to...and it would be easily possible to rouse her to meet my desire. It may even
be this was what she wanted. For all I know, she is a virgin who trusts me with this.
I could get it right, or I could seek and get it wrong...within her mind...and therefore within
mine. Then she may view the whole thing as being used. I would feel as though I had abused a daughter. I just can't risk breaching
that boundary line unless I am satisfied she wants the woman bodily...and that the 'daughter' is an emotional linkage
that has a separate convenience for viewing the 'soul love'.
Sarah looked, and looked, into my eyes...and I was, as always, willing and wanting to look back
into hers. Our souls communed...and it seemed they loved each other deeply. Sarah hugged and pulled me down upon her and her
eyes began to water.
Tears gave a new light on my perception of her. A part of me was cynical enough to think she was
seeking the romantic tragedy of a parting...and utilising puppy games to enrich it.
But these tears were real...and they could only be the outcome of very strong love. There was nothing
I could suggest to ease those tears. I'm sure either leaving Bern, or not, would never ease those tears.
My feelings for Sarah are still indecisive in many ways. My soul loves her. My body loves her. But
my mind and heart can not work out where I should place her. It would take time to do such a thing, but she evidently wants
freedom to pursue relationships with other guys, while still having Brian/Sarah placed on a separate level (but always there)
within her life.
That is why I viewed it as father/daughter. But, to have such a thing (and for me to view it seriously
on a long term level), there needs to be some private cementing of the bond.
With Rachel, it is our direct blood link, plus the affirmation of soul linkage through our eyes,
while I fed her milk from a bottle as a baby.
With Char, it was the will to live, and our intense soul link cemented by full sexual union.
To be of long term durability, Sarah/Brian must be cemented by sexual union also. But, for me, there
are certain conditions I must be sure of before such a union takes place. The most important is her full conscious wish for
the union to take place. Then, like Char, the father daughter link remains real through the private joint knowledge that we
gave ourselves all the way. All sexual unions based on love result in bondings that can have a lifetime sentimentality.
But I must be sure! So I sought to assure Sarah I am ever there...and to illustrate this, I said,
"Most other guys would have seen the position we were just in as a chance to get what THEY want from you! I didn't! Does that
not show you I care?"
Her tears turned instantly to a smile and it seemed it did tell her much about the Brian she wants
to believe in.
I had made my point...and I wasn't going to blow it away by doing anything other thantucking her
in, turning off the light, and making my way to the WG kitchen - where a bottle of wine (and Evi) waited.
If I worked this thing out wrong, then all you males can laugh at me...and all you females can question
my virility. But I have nothing to prove. I know my virility. I don't see any reason to resort to sexual irresponsiblity just
to prove I'm a man. I want to make love to Sarah, but I don't want to feel a heel afterwards because the whole thing was manipulation
of her vulnerability. I want to be sure Sarah wants the sexual union.
The quandary made me troubled, as I talked to Evi, and the wine made me cry inside. As Evi changed
into her nightdress and made to go to bed, she said,
"You are sleeping here tonight?"
"No!" I replied.
"You missed the tram!?! You're going to walk to Kehrsatz?"
Before I left for England and Ireland, in '95 (on my last visit to see my daughter), Char stood
in her Antwerp appartment with me. She wanted to be sure of me. She was probably prepared to go all the way to cement the
'second chance' relationship build up. I didn't bite. Maybe I should have? It may be she fell to bits while I was away because
I didn't bite...and she didn't know what else she could offer to ensure my return.
With Sarah, there are similar quandaries. Sarah represents boundary lines I would not have with
any other female I've encountered here in Bern. I really don't know what is best, so I err on the side of caution.
Confused, I hugged Evi, saying, "I think, sometimes, I try too hard to change the world."
"Yes, I know!" said Evi. She keeps her emotions open, yet kept under lock and key is the inner Evi.
I suspect the inner Evi loves me as deeply as my inner Brian loves her. But our outer sides are wary and trust is hard to
discover. Brian/Evi seems unspoken, a lifetime thing...but the nature of the bond is unknown. When we hug, we do so for long
periods...and I don't want to let go...and, it seems, neither does she. I could remain within those hugs for eternity, and
feel it is my purpose for being. It often seems nonsense that we are not going to sleep together and make love, and yet....
Evi said Chriggu is speaking jealous comments about a guy Evi seems over-friendly with. She discounts
the comments, saying he is just a very special friend. She didn't name the guy. That was left to my imagination. But Chriggu
would pick out her re-actions to all the guys she knows - and Marco is openly doted on by Evi.
The emotional politics of the WG is a complicated thing. My confusion amplifies this.
It's hard to decipher myself, let alone the inner movings of others.
I'M LIKE A CLOUD ROLLING INTO THE SUN - FOR THE ONES I LOVE TOO WELL....
runs a part of my latest song.
But maybe I am equally a cloud for those who love ME too well. I try to make people happy, even
though it often adds to my misery...and all I succeed in doing is making them unhappy.
This span through my mind as I hugged Evi. It span through my mind as I kissed the tears that escaped
from Sarah's eyes. It span through my mind as I sat, with my head in my hands, sorrowfully wondering what I was fter Evi went
to bed. It span through my mind as I picked up my guitar, put on my coat, and left the WG into the cool, damp early morning
air. It span through my mind as I bought cigarettes from the all night automatic near the Bahnoff.
Reaching for the cigarettes, I saw a packet of Parisienne Mild lay untaken, alongside my duly bought
Camel pack. Both Evi and Sarah smoke Parisienne Mild.
Someone had wandered off without taking their cigarettes?
But maybe, in the night dreams and thoughts of Evi and Sarah, Brian had been decided on as worthy
of their love...and maybe Fate decided so too, because the cigarettes seemed a token of something that had been dealt with
correctly and well.
The emotional minefield the WG represents is a hard thing to navigate.
I needed the encouragement of the free cigarettes.