14/08/99 -It was hard to adjust to functional yesterday, but once I started playing
terraces I drifted into automatic...and five terraces on I'd earnt a couple of thousand Bfr. But I am only hovering between
4 and 5,000Bfr at present - and New York looms ever closer.
Attending Gert's 'opening' night for an exhibition at his gallery of a local artist
(Gerard). Gert gave me the flight details and the good news that Gill will be on the same plane as me next Thursday. For both
Gill and I, New York will be a new experience. It is extra special to be sharing the whole thing together.
Gill's place is too small to effectively have space as a couple. The very experience
of the past weeks display this to two minds well aware of the dangers of energy suppression through a cramped environment.
We have fallen onto a larger appartment in Guldensporen street. It would cost over 4,000Bfr each per month... which worries
me, for obvious reasons.
But Gill presents an opportunity to truly move forward, materially, on creative levels.
I have to hold faith that our joint efforts will increase our financial power.
Meanwhile, living here in this appartment with Gill has been, chiefly, beautiful...but
the cramped environment and the extra ingredient of our working together as a duo has virtually squeezed away any time for
This has caused arguments....predictably.
But, as things stand, there has been little option but to do as we did.
We have to build up our act (on an urgent level) and we have to make money. In addition,
we should have relaxed quality time.
The holiday in Portugal saw us experience 24 hours a day in each
other's company...and since our return we have had little space away from each other.
So..with Gill in Holland...these past few days have offered a breathing space. But,
on my side, the actual breathing space needed is less than I thought. While I enjoy my solitude I have a large part of me
wanting Gill here. If she feels mutually...then we have a strong basis for the future.
Quite frankly, I am tired of the impossible puzzles space requirements present. The
initial lure of Brian/Gill ...and its practical qualities...WAS the seemingly easy flow between being together AND functioning
within our own separate worlds.
But Fate and desire has altered the stakes. Gill and I have decided to put our creative
minds together and that demands large tracts of time. The Kris option (where I used to stay) has fallen into impractical....and
if I am to be here in the Winter I will need somewhere to stay.
But Gill is wrestling with herself as much as Annamie used to.
It doesn't inspire confidence.
Gill is similar to Philip in one crucial way. She is hyperactive - and
her thousandleg mind can drift her into a host of conflicting aims, thoughts, objectives and worries.
Because all of these swarm into her mind at once it is inevitable that she can panic
at even minor tasks...as they become evident beneath the weight of the host.
But the qualities her hyperactivity offer can offset the handicap of an over-reaching
mind. It means she is a do-er....someone who can get things done. It means she has a strong feel for ideas and original innovation.
But she must maintain a line to her optimism. If she finds too many lines toward optimism
seemingly severed...with only pessimistic lines remaining....she will go
The social weavings of Helen (of Troy), that summarised my life over 98/99,
has wilted into insignificant with the growth of Brian/Gill. All the Helen-like desires and aims are, at present, met by one
person...Gill.... rather than the multitude who promised much, but gave little. Maybe Evi will equally learn this one day.
The Swiss invasion of Antwerp has fallen away. Evi left yesterday for Switzerland and it is hard,
at present, to see where the Swiss come in to things here anyway.
For me..the overal benefit was in opening, or closing, paths of the Labyrinth.
A sifting of truth from illusion.
Two parallel worlds that confused me.
The social weavings succeeded in juxtaposition of both worlds. It made it far more clear for me.
I could gauge the emotional reality of Evi, Char, Ruana, Sara, Nada, Amelie etc...
More important, I could gauge the validity of Gill over all these and the rest. Thus
I could make the choice to relinquish my freedom.
To recognise the gold over the silver - and to choose thus.
Whether Gill/Brian is the gold I see remains unknown. But it has a strong possibility and a sense
of mutual will.
Silver has its value...but it can never be gold.