|27/4/99 - As with all unexpected
emotional encounters, my mind races into thought - and often
the day after it all - if there comes space - I become dysfunctional while I think things through.
So today I seek functional once more - and the confusion that span around me is dispersing.
Time to move forward once more after taking stock of my motivation and moods. But today
I was scraping the barrel of my mind and memory - seeking to uncover patterns and clues - on
the assumption that 'Cranky Brian' might make that things are interconnected. That life has a
way of re-connecting us to our faults and bad use in the past. Especially if the consequences
are unknown, but could have been far reaching.
But even if I use this tack I see the strong possibility of connection - but not what
the point of it would be.
The puzzle is Sarah. I could dismiss her as something I can do nothing about.
My path is veering away from hers - and I think we both view it that way. But it
may be our bond has a subtle purpose and onus that is not intended to BE direct,
but rather based on influences gained from our interaction - however
sparse or loose. She clearly doesn't represent the husband/wife capability of Kim -
but then, neither Sarah nor I have ever considered the bond that way. Aside from our
conversation back in February, after her 'wheelchair dream', there has never been any
consideration of going all the way into something as deep as husband/wife bonding.
Viewing Brian/Sarah, I feel comfortable that I did what I could - keeping a sense
of integrity and responsibility.
Why do I think so deeply about things like this?
Because I can! So why not?
Most people simply don't have time to look carefully at their lives - and how things
may relate, if co-incidence was worked out. But I have the time. In addition, it relates
to my work:-
Writer, songwriter, lyricist and performer. Plus there is stimulation for me in this.
I enjoy the search - so why not search?
Cranky Brian opened the journal with cranky questions back in January, '96:-
Do souls make love? What happens in different scenarios?
Two bodies + two souls make love - any offspring is complete.
Two bodies copulate - but the souls do not connect.
Two souls make love - but bodies can't, or won't, copulate. No bodily offspring
I really don't want to explain all this again.
The point is my memory search, after much wracking, isolates the first three months
of 1979 as the period where I had a relationship with a German au pair back in my
hometown. Her hair was blonde and she was six years younger. My energy toward
her was mainly good. We had sex often. But a bout of itchiness and a sore spot on my
manhood caused me to have a check up at the special clinic. It was truly great trying
to do this anonymously and meeting one of my uncles, by chance, at the place.
In retrospect, I can see I was wrestling, very much so, with the equivalent persona
of the 'Devil' card in the Mythic Tarot deck. The doctor diagnosed Scabies. That is
just (not) what a person running through the 'Devil' card wants to hear. That little
parasites have invaded the skin. I took the cream and did all the things, like inclusive
laundry, to clear the whole thing away. But I didn't tell the German girl that I was
angry with her, because I blamed her for the Scabies outbreak.
The irony is I probably only had an infected follicle - from too much sex. I broke
off the relationship. She didn't know why. I wouldn't tell her. The tears she wept
broke my heart and took me off relationship for years to come. I don't know why
I developed guilt about bodily function at such an age ( 24). Maybe I simply lost the
beauty that soul lends the body - and only saw the dark side of myself in sex, or
Making love with Judy in 75/76 felt so clean and spiritual. But the aftermath left me
convinced I would never love anyone else - and all my sexual encounters between these
times were sex without love. It felt little more than open gratification one step removed
from mastibation. With a severe emotional blockage and a distaste for the soullessness
of relationships that followed Judy - it is any wonder I simply cut it all out as too much
bother after the German girl experience. Until I lost the frame of mind I would need to
get back in there.
Probably you're thinking, "Loosen up, Brian!". Well, that's exactly what I'm doing.
Cranky Brian is loosening up - and he enjoys it. Nor am I thinking that Brian did
something bad - so karma is ensuring something bad comes back. I don't follow that idea.
I DID use bad energy, but within a framework of confusion and lack of understanding.
I see this as a means of obtaining important lessons - and then seeing how to apply them
onto the present.
Humans are capable of reasoning. They are equipped with the ability of detailed memory.
It seems to me that wisdom can only be improved if the faculties we possess are utilised as
much as possible - from lessons gleaned from our experience.
Friends like Ken, Tina and Mieke believe that age should dictate our level of wisdom.
But it all depends on how you utilise your faculties. If Past, Present and Future are viewed
as three distinct senses then an awareness of all three will enhance your level of wisdom
- whereas an overwhelming preponderance on one sense, or another, will yield a paltriness
on perception within the fields of the other two senses.
OK, Cranky Brian! Fire away..... The early months of 1979 saw Brian having his fling with
the German au pair. Later that year, mid-December, Sarah was born. Just co-incidence?
On a theoretical level it would be possible for the German au pair to have become pregnant
through me - and to have had a baby on the same day as Sarah was born. The German au pair
seemed to have a healthy glow about her when we went to an open air concert around
3 months after the split. She may have been angling at informing me she was pregnant, but
was too nervous to actually do this - because she didn't trust my re-action would be good.
I'm well aware I could have an unknown son or daughter growing up in Germany, or wherever.
Probably I haven't, but I very easily could - and the child would no longer be a child,
but a man, or woman, who could be exactly the same age as Sarah. The Au Pair may
even have married and settled in Switzerland. I'm not saying that Sarah is my flesh and
blood daughter. I can be absolutely certain she is not - aside from some millions to one
occurrence that I discover her mother is German, and I see an old photo of her - and I
see my ex girlfriend imprinted there. That would be a freak thing I really can't believe.
But what affects me is the knowledge that this very thing COULD have happened - and
that I could have slept with and made love with a female who would eventually emerge
as actually being a flesh and blood daughter. As I explained earlier, this needn't be viewed
as bad energy, because I didn't know the full story - and simply went with the flow of the
soul and body link.
But imagine the effect on minds if father/daughter fall unsuspecting into such a situation!
You may advise, "Hold back from having sex" if there is a danger of this.
Well...the story of Brian/Sarah saw me do just that!
Aside from the outer onus that Sarah was a vital key to the Labyrinth that would lead me a
step closer to my known daughter, there were deep inner levels that equally held me back.
As I wrote at the time, not one of the extensive female bonds that were vibrant during that
soul search would have raised the same sexual quandary Sarah raised within me.
It is as though my memory and subconscious worked hand in hand to prevent any chance
that the millions to one possibility could actually occur - and thus my mind...and the unknown
daughter's mind.... would not come face to face with such a shock.
The memory/subconscious was felt by me, but not understood on outer levels - nor fully
worked out. I couldn't understand why I felt such pressure on how to handle Sarah.
But now I think I understand better. There is revelation in this! But it's very difficult to
pin it down into words.
The mind utilises memory, but, dependent on will and efficiency, it will utilise it in an
ABRIDGED way - and thus, may get distorted, confused and out of perspective.
But subconsciously, the memory is fully ( or far more efficiently) utilised, because it isn't
dependent on will. At crucial periods of our life this more efficient memory system kicks
in to ward the outer psyche from inadvertant bad energy that may create a disastrous
situation - even if the likelihood of such is remote.
This inner memory seems to have taken account of dates... and picked out Sarah as
falling within the possibility factor of the early '79 episode, with all its unknown
repercussions, if any.
It's not that the subconscious is a new revelation. Everyone knows it exists. What is a
revelation, to me, is the way it has a precision on dating superior to the mind. The mind
has had to wrestle with its poor memory of the events 20 years ago. But the inner
memory knew... and it seems to have acted as an active reserve for the mind's failure
to analyse implications.
Having squeezed out the theory behind this, how can it be implemented and used to
further guide my actions? How can it be re-assured when I recognise its warning? In
effect, how do I turn off the alarm because I'm up and awake?
Brian/Sarah may have been a good sexual relationship, if I had been alert to the inner
wards... and its efficiency. But, at the same time, I can't see Brian/Sarah would have
worked in actual full relationship. It would have stumbled and fallen swiftly. So there
was no harm done - with much potential harm averted - on emotional levels. I can still
feel comfortable with my ouvert actions regarding Sarah.
We shared some special moments - and were able to give each other something we both
needed at the points we had reached in our lives. If some freak circumstance had come
real and we discovered we WERE father/daughter, flesh and blood - then we would have
taken all the right steps already toward an actual blood father/daughter link.
But what is interesting in connection to this is the definition 'Cranky Brian' perceives
through this thought process.
In terms of wisdom it seems we advance and retard on outer levels.
This is because the MIND uses ABRIDGED memory to process experience. As we take
in new information the mind abridges all the more the old information that appears to
lose its active value in our daily lives.
At times, we advance the experience and wisdom in our daily life - at other times, we retard,
because too much experience and wisdom has been swept out of the active abridged memory
- and replaced by functional.
But the INNER MEMORY seems to ADVANCE - and ADVANCE only. It doesn't seem
So, is it possible to tap into it? Does Hypnotic Regression do this?
But is it possible to CONSCIOUSLY tap into it? Tarot, Palmistry, Astrology seem to do this.
But only partially....
How can you tap into it to remember specific dates, specific knowledge, specific happenings,
I suspect this is possible, simply because the inner memory is there.
My birth numbers system, however primitive and generalistic, seems to tap into this inner
Probability factors are aligned, in regard to how my inner self would respond, in essence,
to someone else. Therefore, doing someone's numbers gives me an inkling of the probability
factor behind their response to me.
The inner memory seems to isolate and calculate dates, or sequences. Maybe even the mutual
will to make love is because the inner memories of two people recognise an optimum sequence
for a child -even if no child emerges, or is actively wanted by the lovers. The inner memory
recognises, all the same, the optimum moment of harmony within its perception of
I don't believe everything is pre-ordained, or destined.
What I can see is that we have the ability to uncover hidden tasks and challenges and purpose
stored somewhere within that inner memory. Through this, we have a better chance of
untapping the full potential of what we can be.
More from the Labyrinth Busker Journal
|More from the Labyrinth Busker Journal|
|Some of my sites:
My songs with lyrics
Loads of articles, stories and titbits
apachejohn.buskerbrian.com Bishop's Stortford based band
Swiss based singer/songwriter
Busking adventures in Bern
Part Two: Busking adventures in Bern
My music, plus featured acts. plus colour
Family Photos over 100 years
Family ancestry over 1,000 years
British ancestry (Hornchurch. Rickling Green)
Cranky Brian "History of time" Provoking ideas in philosophy and science
My space Become a friend
Contact me Just that
Online Diary Podcasts
COMPLETE ONLINE JOURNAL SEGMENTS:
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Things we must do
The online Labyrinth Busker Journal consists of hundreds of pages ranging from busking to a wide variety of topics and articles.
If you have a clear idea of what you are looking for, then use the search box (above) to find it.
I hope you enjoy the experience of the Labyrinth Busker Journal
A buskerbrian history of time:
Belief, Heaven and Zolar
In the esoteric 'world' of Zolar it was claimed that the Astral plane contained several layers (levels) - and that souls, after death, will eventually ascend to the level where their beliefs become true. What they expected to see is what they see (in essence).
All this suggests that though the universe is expanding there is also retraction. It is quite likely that the speed of light is variable and it could be possible that time itself can speed up or slow down.
In fact, if time is simply temperature and resultant motion? Then it does speed up and slow down.
The constant 8 has the rule book.
White and Black sheep societies
Antigone chose to openly defy the 'White sheep' laws of her country - and her death brought strong repercussions.
She challenged the belief of society with her own belief.. and death did not remove the idea of her belief. The city had to look at itself - more so, after her death.
The societies within
But the other person and I meet... and the way we respond to each other is via the universe of inner nations within our independent bodies. The oppression and free expression of all these nations will formulate my psyche, and the psyche of the other person.
Her eyes were ready to take control... to bravely dominate and protect... more in the image of a chivalrous knight in shining armour. With souls, gender is not always true to the body.
The inner gender conflict
We are all, whatever our actual gender, a mix of feminine and masculine impulses. This doesn't make the average person gay - not in the slightest. Sexual attraction remains on the opposite sex, yet triggered by conflicting gender impulse.
Mentoring - autism and hurricanes
Autism would render him as a loner, an outsider. There will always be parts of him the world will never see, nor understand.
So, back to the question:
Do you think Bob Dylan is mildly autistic?
"Humans" invade Earth from Veritas, a broken fragment from their former world.
Evolution by ingestion of 'human' microbes released amongst the cosmic dust
and fragments of two asteroids colliding in space 8.2 million years ago?
It seems clear to me that the implication of this is that timespeed is also the measure of the activity we term as 'explosion'. Our bodies and the microorganisms that surround us are reliant on explosions occurring at a minimum and maximum rate of time speed.
In addition, all forces and gravitational effects within the universe are caused by this effect of timespeed. Life in the universe can probably be found everywhere.
Mentoring - crusades and psychology
The knowledge of her guardians and her former life saw her face the man down and she only fled into quaking once she was home and safe.
Perhaps you could ask the child how this dreamscape could be used beneficially within his life. It may prepare him for the moment when such knowledge will save his life.
Plato and Socrates debate Beauty
A fly would find our excrement a beautiful thing. The soil we exist on is billions of years of excrement. There is rock that is formed by countless skeletons. Grass is mould. But the individual atoms that form this and everything remain beautiful and untouched.
Mentoring - Light, Heaven and Black holes
For God to be omnipotent, it would indicate an ability akin to 'rocket science' in comparison to a man restricted to walking everywhere. It could be argued that souls whizzing at the speed of light fits this analogy fine.
But can you see the limitations for souls (and God) within that argument?
Jesus? Celtic or Rangers?
The same guy then said, " Jesus will introduce us to the Good Life!"
This fired me further, " What is the Good Life? It seems to me that you need to experience the despair of bad times to appreciate the value of good times. How can you know the difference without this?"
Asperger's syndrome is a blessing to the world. It promises the production of the most essential element of a progressive society: the individual.
How old is the Sun?
With temperature receding toward the edge of the solar system, then time will recede accordingly. Therefore the planets are travelling greater distances at radically lower timespeeds than the Sun.
Dust Devils and Llamas
Take a look at the end part of the 'dust devil' clip. There almost seems to be an object speeding along in front of it.
The frontiers of behaviour in war and sectarianism
Even a peace loving philosopher may be tested to the full, as he holds a loaded gun and stares at a member of a rival faction that has murdered his family and loved ones.
The gun is loaded.
The rival faction member is a naked prisoner.
No one is going to stop you from doing what you please with him.
Imagination should outstrip proof
It is a case of visualising beyond what we can see and seeking the questions that may unveil significant answers. It is not the proof of my statement that matters. Rather, it is the journey we undertake to seek such proof. We must see what we see and imagine what we can't see.
Potential to be Hitler or Gandhi
My defining term for conformists are 'White Sheep'. My term for those who have something unique and potentially beneficial to the world that can only be delivered through forms of non-conformity is 'Black Sheep'. Within the mechanism of this (apparently) simple definition is everything from Hitler to Gandhi. It is important to recognise in which camp you should reside, because then it is easier to recognise that one camp needs the other.
Armageddon - outer sphere
There are fantastic websites on the web dealing with suns and planets (not so far from our own) that can excite the imagination of the questor for speculative random theories. Is our solar system an oasis of peace or a default normality? Is this oasis threatened by events occurring 12 light years away?
Tau Ceti could be the point where an opposing universe is in collision. It seems we could be 12 light years away from a force that threatens our solar system as we know it.
Sarah - the inner memory
The inner memory seems to isolate and calculate dates, or sequences. Maybe even the mutual will to make love is because the inner memories of two people recognise an optimum sequence for a child -even if no child emerges, or is actively wanted by the lovers. The inner memory recognises, all the same, the optimum moment of harmony within its perception of UNIVERSAL sequences
Labyrinth Busker Journal - Brian Robert Pearce