Role Reversal and Soul confusion
My life has drifted to a stage of emotional limbo. There is still the sorrow and bitterness about Clio, but it becomes less each week. Now I seek the 'subtle spark' that would promise once more a flame 'burning with intensity'. Until then, my life is more a matter for the mind.
This time of year? That is not good.
It magnifies the dullness and tedium of the 'dying season'.
Am I ready for a relationship this quickly?
I don't know!
Maybe I'll simply seek some fun in the 'puppy games' of Antwerp? It helps to know what the possibilities are.Unlike Clio, I couldn't do that while in relationship.... however tenuous. But now I'm free to build a new prospectus around my emotional life.
Meeting Philip (as half planned) at the Bahnoff on my return from Solothurn we shared a taxi to Ausser Holligen - where he is staying right now, and where his WG friends were holding a party.
A CONCUSSING SPARK:
A familiar figure amongst the crowd... Philip being urged to sing a song.... while I was greeted by the familiar figure...
It was Chantal (Clio's best friend).
Three kisses on the cheeks - acknowledgement of special friendship, but not on an intimate fully fledged level....
"Are you all right?" she asked... and her concern behind the question was more in line with a trainer checking for concussion on a boxer after the boxer had taken a series of severe head blows. My surprise at the vehemence of her concern made me somewhat concussed in mind, as though confusion had dealt me its own severe head blows....
"Yes! I'm ok...!" I answered, thinking hard about whether I actually was.
Did she see something in me I wasn't aware of?
She looked into my eyes with a steadiness and searching that left me bewildered, because I didn't know why she searched. I offered some lame questions and answers, but she wanted to look into my eyes and was prepared to do so even though she said nothing.
Her eyes seemed to strip me of my self assurance... and I wondered what she was truly seeking.
I felt that this eye duel would tear away my strength and release tears of longing, exposing the hidden chambers of my sorrow. Then I would want her to hold me... and love me... and tell me everything is all right. Then, with the look she met me with, I would want her to care as much as her questions and eyes and words suggested.
I have such a tapestry of sorrow, held under control by flimsy defences, that such a thing as Chantal was doing could easily pierce through to reach one of my suppressed strands of pain unleashing outer expression and a need for someone to comfort me.
In energy use she was strong - and in this encounter I felt like a child faced with his mother. I wanted time with Chantal... and I wanted our eyes to speak... and yet I realised I felt shame before her...
because I didn't feel a Prince, merely a frog.
Her eyes never flinched before mine and I wondered what she was wanting to find.
Was it concern? Was it more?
If it was more, a frog would feel unprepared and hopelessly undeserving.
This passed my mind and my eyes were thus defeated. Not my eyes... but my soul. Because my soul danced in those eyes, but my mind felt inadequate.
She was about to go home anyway. It was late when I arrived.
I didn't want to find out it was superficial curiosity, or a dutiful execution of Clio's 'intelligence service'... or a dose of interest to spice up a tediously boring party. I didn't want to find out those eyes were controlled by the mind, not the soul.... and that there was no motherly concern, just a desire to see me bleed and report it so to Clio.
THE SPARK INSTALLED BY CHANTAL
The conversation was difficult, but it would have steadied should my mind have gained some semblence of control. But philip was calling me over to play a song with him.
Chantal and I locked eyes once more.... and again, she won... and I played a song with Philip, only able to nod a farewell to someone who had reached my inner senses and pricked me with curiosity and interest I would not have been aware of before.
Chantal is much in my thoughts right now... and, within my memory, her eyes still look at me as clearly as they did last night. Our memory is capable of so much more than people can imagine. But when I see those eyes in my mind I can read them afresh - and it may be that with time I will have ready bonded with her enough to fall into a state of deep love.
Already I am on the first rung of love: the 'subtle spark'. The spark may never have the opportunity to become a flame, but ( at least from my side) I know it is there now.
It wasn't there before.
It IS now.
If anything develops from this it will not likely have a chance to occur until the Spring at the earliest. She lives in Biel.
It should be said (on a mind level) that, because she is one of Clio's friends, my reticence was more present. I like to know what the story is. Until I do, I negotiate clique circles with caution.
Maybe Chantal's eyes were saying, "Trust me"
Maybe my eyes were saying, "I'd like to trust you... I need to... but I don't! Not yet!"
CHANTAL - THE SHINING KNIGHT
Was this an important catalysm for me? Like Kat's eyes (last year) exorcising the ghosts of my sorrow? Sorrow that I bury within me until it's almost forgotten, except for its subtle influence on my daily life?
Were Kat and Chantal acting (for whatever reason) as doctors to an injured soul? Examining the extent of the injuries?
Kat met my eyes with a look of not only questing, but an image of her own sorrows.
Chantal was different.
Her eyes were ready to take control... to bravely dominate and protect... more in the image of a chivalrous knight in shining armour. With souls, gender is not always true to the body.
I was more in line with Cinderella: wanting that attention, but feeling unfitted for such nobility. I was afraid to be found out as simply Cinderella.
The words between us were as nothing, compared to the conversation the eyes spoke. What the eyes were saying was something only part of me, deep down inside, understood. But, as I think of it now ( and her relentless determination to unravel me) I have the crazy wish (like Cinderella) that the Prince had taken control of my body, mind and soul and opened the door to love - intent on taking me within... our bodies locked through the night.... heralding the dawn of new love... however tenuous or brief.
Role Reversal and Soul confusion
05/12/1997 - Bern, Switzerland:
We are all, whatever our actual gender, a mix of feminine and masculine impulses. This doesn't make the average person gay - not in the slightest. Sexual attraction remains on the opposite sex, yet triggered by conflicting gender impulse.
Therefore, I could see that the feminine impulses within me fell instantly in love with the masculine impulses that were dominant yesterday in Chantal.
Given time, she could have pushed my feminine impulses to their knees and had me weeping for her comfort and strength... wanting her arms around me to protect myself from myself.
But maybe that wasn't her intent anyhow.
My masculine impulses were defensive, awaiting developments that never came because they were kicked into the aggressive need to play a song well.
Once more I was male, and the female within me was suppressed by the masculine equivalent of displayed peacock feathers.
But truthfully, I wanted her to take me into a room, lock the door and pump my juices dry.... and then to hold me through the night and ease the drying of my eyes.... safe within her care.
Even now, I don't know what she read in my eyes - or whether she still sees them as clearly as I see hers. One day I hope we will lock eyes together once more... and that I will prove less vulnerable and more able to look and talk from the soul.
COMPATIBLE GENDER IMPULSE
Astonishingly, whereas before this encounter Chantal (despite her natural beauty of face and body) struck me as sexless and unenticing - after the encounter I suddenly find her body very alluring and sexual, despite barely noticing anything about her physically beyond her eyes and face.
It is because of what I read in those eyes.
What put me off before was the masculinity I detected behind her female body, preventing me from seeing her as sexually attractive. What seemed to occur last night was a focus of that masculinity. It revealed itself as alluring, and complimentary to her femininity.
Now the paradox has been unveiled as no paradox at all, but rather an unnoticed harmony.
Thus also do I understand better the ease with which she can win men's hearts... and break them. They see ( in a shadowed, misunderstood form) the gender impulses within Chantal - and this releases a need and desire within themselves they would prefer to suppress. Many males find it difficult to accept that they are not entirely macho - 100% the man.
Whether Chantal gives free rein to the Male impulses within her and doesn't equally see the need to suppress this part for the sake of her feminine identity is an important question.
If she suppresses? Then it would explain her heartbreaking nature better than if she didn't suppress. It would indicate a strong conflict within herself on the issue of where her true nature lies. It may indicate that she is unaware of the natural gender balance I observed.
This would mean that although I have no true idea of what she saw when she gazed into my eyes, she (equally) had no idea what I saw in hers. Even more so... she may think I saw her as she sees herself.
It could be she is highly astute.
But if she isn't?
Then I have gained the advantage of initial understanding, which gives me the power to project various future scenarios... and to know in which ways I should beware if any of these scenarios turn up.
Behind this boundary of what is to be guarded against, I could piece together expectations. But I know that if Chantal and I should ever come together; then the conflict (if any) between her male and female impulses will need to be ascertained. On the answer would depend the prospect of relationship longevity and balance.
I could imagine there would be sorrow in ratio to longevity at the close of a relationship between Chantal and I, but she couldn't break my heart if she uses the male/female impulse conflict to trigger separation or betrayal. Because I would already anticipate this to occur at some point if she doesn't recognise the overall natural balance that is Chantal.
If she does recognise ( however differently thought out) her harmonious balance and the key to her heartbreaking tendency is elsewhere within her?
Then I would need to discover where very quickly, if our paths should join... because (in a sense) I am an emotional boxer. I bear the bruises of many hard experiences. It makes me strong, but I can still be caught out by the sucker punch. Even Clio had one of those lined up to make the grand finish a tacky, unsatisfactory one... despite its predictability on the general front.
Of course, Chantal and I may never meet again or, if we do, we may never be as potentially close as last night. Even last night was too hurried... with her about to leave, me just coming, and the demands of other people distracting things.
But one conclusion I CAN draw is that if Chantal and I move into relationship.. and if the both of us are able to maintain the natural harmony of male and female impulses without suppression? Then...
It seems we match very well on this level. So much information from those eyes! Our bodies would match in chemistry. I'm sure of it! Our minds would match with music. Both of us have had many past lovers and partners.She needn't worry about 'horses'. Oh no... she needn't worry at all, because she would KNOW the 'horses' are there when she finds herself discontent with relationship. BACK TO HOMEPAGE
Does she always carry the male proudly upon her shoulder?
Or does she weary of his burden for awhile?
Is the male left in limbo, awaiting...
... the moment when she will feel ready to drape him over her shoulder and carry him proudly once more?
A potential Heartbreaker?