HEARTBREAKER |
GENDER
Role
Reversal and Soul confusion
|
04/12/1997:
BERN
(Switzerland)
My life
has drifted to a stage of emotional limbo. There is still the sorrow
and bitterness about
Clio, but it becomes less each week. Now I seek the 'subtle spark' that
would promise once more a flame 'burning with
intensity'. Until
then, my life is more a matter for the
mind.
This time
of year? That is not good.
It
magnifies the dullness and tedium of the 'dying season'.
Am I
ready for a relationship this quickly?
I don't
know!
Maybe
I'll simply seek some fun in the 'puppy games' of Antwerp? It helps to
know what the
possibilities are.
Unlike
Clio, I couldn't do that while in relationship.... however tenuous. But
now I'm free to
build a new prospectus around my emotional life.05/12/1997:
BERN
(Switzerland)
Meeting Philip (as half
planned) at the Bahnoff on my return from Solothurn we shared a taxi to
Ausser Holligen - where he is staying right now, and where his WG
friends were holding a
party.
A
CONCUSSING SPARK:
A
familiar figure amongst the crowd... Philip being urged to sing a
song.... while I was greeted
by the familiar figure...
It was
Chantal (Clio's best friend).
Three
kisses on the cheeks - acknowledgement of special friendship, but not
on an intimate fully fledged level....
"Are you
all right?" she
asked... and her concern behind the question was more in line with a
trainer checking for concussion on a boxer after the boxer had taken a
series of severe
head blows. My surprise at the vehemence of her concern made me
somewhat concussed
in mind, as though confusion had dealt me its own severe head blows....
"Yes! I'm
ok...!" I
answered, thinking hard about whether I actually was.
Did she
see something in me I wasn't aware of?
She
looked into my eyes with a steadiness and searching that left me
bewildered, because I
didn't know why she searched. I offered some lame questions and
answers, but she
wanted to look into my eyes and was prepared to do so even though she
said nothing.
Her eyes
seemed to strip me of my self assurance... and I wondered what she was
truly seeking.
I felt
that this eye duel would tear away my strength and release tears of
longing, exposing
the hidden chambers of my sorrow. Then I would want her to hold me...
and love me... and tell me everything is all
right. Then, with
the look she met me with, I would
want her to care as much as her questions and eyes and words suggested.
I have
such a tapestry of sorrow, held under control by flimsy defences, that
such a thing as
Chantal was doing could easily pierce through to reach one of my
suppressed strands of pain
unleashing outer expression and a need for someone to comfort me.
In energy
use she was strong - and in this encounter I felt like a child faced
with his mother. I
wanted time with Chantal... and I wanted our eyes to speak... and yet I
realised I felt shame before her...
because I
didn't feel a Prince, merely a frog.
Her eyes
never flinched before mine and I wondered what she was wanting to find.
Was it
concern? Was it more?
If it was
more, a frog would feel unprepared and hopelessly undeserving.
This
passed my mind and my eyes were thus defeated. Not my eyes... but my
soul. Because my soul danced in those eyes, but
my mind felt
inadequate.
She was
about to go home anyway. It was late when I arrived.
I didn't
want to find out it was superficial curiosity, or a dutiful execution
of Clio's 'intelligence
service'... or a dose of interest to spice up a tediously boring party.
I didn't want to
find out those eyes were controlled by the mind, not the soul.... and
that there was no
motherly concern, just a desire to see me bleed and report it so to
Clio.
THE SPARK
INSTALLED BY CHANTAL
The
conversation was difficult, but it would have steadied should my mind
have gained some
semblence of control. But philip was calling me over to play a song
with him.
Chantal
and I locked eyes once more.... and again, she won... and I played a
song with Philip,
only able to nod a farewell to someone who had reached my inner senses
and pricked me with curiosity and interest I
would not have been
aware of before.
Chantal
is much in my thoughts right now... and, within my memory, her eyes
still look at me
as clearly as they did last night. Our memory is capable of so much
more than people
can imagine. But when I see those eyes in my mind I can read them
afresh - and it may be
that with time I will have ready bonded with her enough to fall into a
state of deep love.
Already I
am on the first rung of love: the 'subtle spark'. The spark may never
have the opportunity
to become a flame, but ( at least from my side) I know it is there now.
It wasn't
there before.
It IS now.
If
anything develops from this it will not likely have a chance to occur
until the Spring at the
earliest. She lives in Biel.
It should
be said (on a mind level) that, because she is one of Clio's friends,
my reticence was
more present. I like to know what the story is. Until I do, I negotiate
clique circles with
caution.
Maybe
Chantal's eyes were saying, "Trust me"
Maybe my
eyes were saying, "I'd like
to trust you... I need to... but I don't! Not yet!"
CHANTAL -
THE SHINING KNIGHT
Was this
an important catalysm for me? Like Kat's eyes (last year) exorcising
the ghosts of my
sorrow? Sorrow that I bury within me until it's almost forgotten,
except for its subtle
influence on my daily life?
Were Kat
and Chantal acting (for whatever reason) as doctors to an injured soul?
Examining the extent of the injuries?
Kat met
my eyes with a look of not only questing, but an image of her own
sorrows.
Chantal
was different.
Her eyes
were ready to take control... to bravely dominate and protect... more
in the image of a chivalrous knight in shining
armour. With souls,
gender is not always true to the body.
I was
more in line with Cinderella: wanting that attention, but feeling
unfitted for such nobility.
I was afraid to be found out as simply Cinderella.
The words
between us were as nothing, compared to the conversation the eyes
spoke. What the eyes were saying was something only part of me, deep
down inside, understood.
But, as I think of it now ( and her relentless determination to unravel
me) I have the crazy wish (like Cinderella) that the Prince had
taken control of my body, mind and soul
and opened the door to love - intent on taking me within... our bodies
locked through the night.... heralding the dawn of new love...
however tenuous or brief.
GENDER
Role
Reversal and Soul confusion
05/12/1997
- Bern, Switzerland:
We are
all, whatever our actual gender, a
mix of
feminine and masculine impulses.
This doesn't make the average
person gay - not in the slightest.
Sexual attraction remains on the
opposite sex, yet triggered by conflicting
gender impulse.
Therefore,
I could see that the feminine impulses
within me fell instantly in love with
the
masculine impulses that were dominant
yesterday in Chantal.
Given
time, she could have pushed my feminine
impulses to their knees and had
me
weeping for her comfort and strength...
wanting her arms around me to
protect myself from myself.
But maybe
that wasn't her intent anyhow.
My
masculine impulses were defensive, awaiting
developments that never came because
they were kicked into the aggressive
need to play a song well.
Once more
I was male, and the female within
me
was suppressed by the masculine
equivalent of displayed peacock
feathers.
But
truthfully, I wanted her to take me into a
room, lock the door and pump my juices
dry.... and then to hold me through
the night and ease the drying of my
eyes.... safe within her care.
Even now,
I don't know what she read in my
eyes - or whether she still sees them
as
clearly as I see hers. One day I
hope we
will lock eyes together once more...
and that I will prove less vulnerable
and more able to look and talk
from
the soul.
COMPATIBLE GENDER IMPULSE Astonishingly,
whereas before this encounter Chantal (despite her natural beauty of
face and body)
struck me as sexless and unenticing - after the encounter I suddenly
find her body very alluring
and sexual, despite barely noticing anything about her physically
beyond her eyes and face.
It is
because of what I read in those eyes.
What put
me off before was the masculinity I detected behind her female body,
preventing me from
seeing her as sexually attractive. What seemed to occur last night was
a focus of that masculinity.
It revealed itself as alluring, and complimentary to her femininity.
Now the
paradox has been unveiled as no paradox at all, but rather an unnoticed
harmony.
Thus also
do I understand better the ease with which she can win men's hearts...
and break them.
They see ( in a shadowed, misunderstood form) the gender impulses
within Chantal - and this
releases a need and desire within themselves they would prefer to
suppress. Many males find it
difficult to accept that they are not entirely macho - 100% the man.
Whether
Chantal gives free rein to the Male impulses within her and doesn't
equally see the need to
suppress this part for the sake of her feminine identity is an
important question.
If she
suppresses? Then it would explain her heartbreaking nature better than
if she didn't suppress.
It would indicate a strong conflict within herself on the issue of
where her true nature lies. It
may indicate that she is unaware of the natural gender balance I
observed.
This
would mean that although I have no true idea of what she saw when she
gazed into my eyes, she
(equally) had no idea what I saw in hers. Even more so... she may think
I saw her as she
sees herself.
It could
be she is highly astute.
But if
she isn't?
Then I
have gained the advantage of initial understanding, which gives me the
power to project various
future scenarios... and to know in which ways I should beware if any of
these scenarios turn up.
Behind
this boundary of what is to be guarded against, I could piece together
expectations. But I
know that if Chantal and I should ever come together; then the conflict
(if any) between her male and
female impulses will need to be ascertained. On the answer would depend
the prospect of relationship longevity and
balance.
I could
imagine there would be sorrow in ratio to longevity at the close of a
relationship between Chantal
and I, but she couldn't break my heart if she uses the male/female
impulse conflict to trigger
separation or betrayal. Because I would already anticipate this to
occur at some point if she
doesn't recognise the overall natural balance that is Chantal.
If she
does recognise ( however differently thought out) her harmonious
balance and the key to her
heartbreaking tendency is elsewhere within her?
Then I
would need to discover where very quickly, if our paths should join...
because (in a sense) I
am an emotional boxer. I bear the bruises of many hard experiences. It
makes me strong,
but I can still be caught out by the sucker punch. Even Clio had one of
those lined up to make
the grand finish a tacky, unsatisfactory one... despite its
predictability on the general front.
Of
course, Chantal and I may never meet again or, if we do, we may never
be as potentially close as
last night. Even last night was too hurried... with her about to leave,
me just coming, and the
demands of other people distracting things.
But one
conclusion I CAN draw is that if Chantal and I move into relationship..
and if the both of us are
able to maintain the natural harmony of male and female impulses
without suppression? Then...
WOW!!!
It seems
we match very well on this level. So much information from those eyes!
Our bodies would
match in chemistry. I'm sure of it! Our minds would match with
music. Both of us have had many
past lovers and partners.
She
needn't worry about 'horses'. Oh no... she needn't worry at all,
because she would KNOW the
'horses' are there when she finds herself discontent with relationship.
BACK TO HOMEPAGE |
Does
she always carry the male
proudly upon her shoulder?
Or
does she weary of his burden for
awhile?
Is the
male left in limbo, awaiting...
...
the moment when she will feel ready
to drape him over her shoulder
and carry him proudly once
more?
A
potential Heartbreaker?
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