HOME IS EMOTIONAL FULFILLMENT
THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE (RABBIT)
It is 1996 - August is coming - and the busker is on the move, with rapidly changing onus and purpose. From Antwerp to Luzern,
Bern, Gstaad and Fribourg - his purpose drives him - to find a 'wife' and 'home'. Only through the experience of these inner energies
can he equip himself for any further Labyrinth advance.
Tarot questions
Hate me, miss me
Short chat!!!
Emotion is good! No?
Emotional Chess

29/07/96 - Mon - Antwerp (Belgium) - On Saturday evening, my brother finally arrived at the Musiekdoos. The place was empty, however. This time, last year, the Musiekdoos buzzed. Ruana and I were playing there as a duo. Char and Bennie had returned from Spain. You could feel the energy and excitement in the Musiekdoos. Within two days...Ruana and I would be in Balazuc - and only once more (in late October) would our duo be heard in Antwerp. The 'family' would take a strange bouncing road through Europe throughout that Summer.
I spent Saturday night round Vera's, sleeping in Liam's room - and the Sunday afternoon I had about half a pint of blood extracted for the tests in England. I felt a little light headed after that - and a Guinness at the An Sibhin (the 7th Irish bar in Antwerp) contributed to an even lighter feeling. Vera was working the bar there, and this was the first I had seen of her since coming back.
My brother (Mike) caught the 6pm train back to England and I slept for awhile before heading out late to play the Groen Platz. It was not full, but it was good energy - almost everyone gave something. A girl on the terrace bought me a drink. She would have offered her apartment to stay, but she didn't think her 'boyfriend would understand'. No...probably not! She was beautiful, without a doubt.
I made my way to Pierre's, and it was there that I slept the night. Today, I took my rucksack to the launderette and washed my clothes. I was hoping to catch Trina or Gerhard in, but there was no answer - so I'm stuck with a rucksack in the Cafe Centrum. Maybe I can drop it off at the Musiekdoos later? Maybe I can just head south again! I'm basically ready to go. I just feel I haven't updated myself enough with everyone here yet.

Tarot Questions
Where is Kat?
Checking the Pater's, I discovered Kat had 'left the job' two months ago. In fact, within a week or so after I'd left for Aachen with Norman. She's still in her apartment, but I don't know where that is. So...will I see her? I don't know!
As for Ruana, I didn't get a phone call from her yesterday at Vera's. I tried phoning her in the evening, but I got her mother saying Ruana had gone to the Sfinks Festival. The summary is: she didn't phone, although she may have phoned and someone had answered who didn't know I was there...or WOULD be there. I took Ge-Ge's dog 'Luney', or whatever, for a walk with Tanya, and her dog 'Melanie'. I asked Mike to cover the phone, but....
My idea is she never phoned, which, of course, is another question answered. But the Tarot was available at Vera's, so I asked:-
What is Ruana's intention to me?     Answer: XV111 Strength (the 'family' card)
Her most major fear about me?        Answer:  Page of Pentacles
My wisest course of action to Ruana now?   Answer: Ace of Pentacles
Triptolytus was an ordinary boy who saw Persephone (the Priestess) abducted by Hades...disappearing into a hole in the ground into the realm of Hades. For the purpose of the abduction, Hades rode a chariot.
Who am I at present?    Answer: XX1 Priestess...and V111 Magician.

A 'White Sheep' fear of 'Black Sheep' on inner levels? What is a mere hobby may become a vocation, given time...states the Page of Pentacles, but care and patience would be needed. The Ace implies availability of new raw energy for a creative project.
But, in all, this tells me that Ruana is a relic of my past (for the moment). I must concentrate on other fields. The energy I store for Ruana may be better put into more fruitful areas. Ruana will come, or she won't - I feel I have no control of this anymore. It is a futile thing trying to re-construct what has been. She still values the 'family', it would seem. That, I suppose, is better than nothing, which is basically the interaction level there is between us at this point. So...another question answered.
Also, there seems little, or nothing, that needs to be said between Char and I at this point. Antwerp is merely limbo for me, so I'm basically free to travel back to Switzerland. I think I'll do this tomorrow. It is nice to be back in Antwerp, but there is an emptiness about it all. Nothing is greatly happening for me personally. The atmosphere is tepid and clouds block the sun most of the time, despite it being dry and comfortable with temperature. The question I ask is:
Where is Home?
Home is where love is vibrant and fulfilling. Nowhere is this so for me....only tasks, limbo and slim possibilities. I must cast myself into the hands of Fate to find who I truly seek to find. Somewhere, there is my 'wife'. If Ruana is an 'Aunt', the position of 'wife' is unfilled. So now, my quests are set:-
a/ to repay Gerhard in full, b/ to prepare a Winter nest, c/ to find my 'wife'. BACK TO TOP

HATE ME, MISS ME
The day has deteriorated to heavy cloud and rain. Feeling tired, I retreated to Gerhard's and slept the afternoon away. Picking up my rucksack, I'm about to have a shower. Whatever spare money I had (about 500bfr) I've given to Gerhard towards the rent, so tonight I am planning to try a couple of bars to get a little brass in pocket. I saw Carlos earlier (Argentinian guitarist). He said he was going to Germany, near Cologne, in the next hour. I was tempted to up and go there with him, but tiredness and the weather deterred me.
As things turned out, I helped Gerhard and his friend shift some of his debris from the old apartment. I must transfer my stuff there to Vera's, or whatever. Having given Gerhard another 500bfr, it left me fairly skint, so I played the not so pleasant Groen Platz. It was the Beiard. There were only three terraces out, but I got 500bfr from it, which meant I could have a drink at the Musiekdoos before playing there. I played all my five most recent songs and Philip's 'Passing it on'. With perfect irony, I gained 300bfr from the twelve or so people who were present there that could be bottled.
So, afterwards, I caught up a little with Everts and Mark Meyers, as Frank arrived to top up my beer supply. I was bubbling a little, but in time I grew tired...and Etienne, mistaking my "Bolleke" for "Porto" leaves me here with a powerful night-cap. I think I'll head home after this and get some sleep. I feel tired. Jeez! My new jeans have got a burn hole in them from a cigarette! Maybe I'm just getting crazy? Or drunk!
Walked awhile with Sven and arrived back at Gerhard's...to see Kat sitting there with him. Guess I couldn't hide my delight. I walked over and gave her a long hug. We talked about Philip and sundry affairs and she eventually left, but she's expecting me to visit her tomorrow. I am expecting myself to visit her tomorrow.
Gerhard says she shares with a girl named Sara, but Kat has already asked her if she minded if I stay there - and Kat has already worked out where I will sleep. I am pleased she is happy to have me stay with her.

Meanwhile, Gerhard has been saying that people have been asking him about me. Those who liked me apparently truly missed me. Even those who 'hate' me miss me, it would appear. They would all sit down and discuss me for the duration of a night, swapping distorted (probably) stories and gossip related to me. It seems the irony of this is that people who actively 'hated' me actively missed me also. It's very strange, but understandable if you think deeply about it. Absence grows fonder - familiarity breeds contempt.
I understand this principle, and use it actively in places like Basle...where I hit for a couple of days, cause a stir, then vanish.
But keenly, I want to speak to Kat - to organise my thoughts - and just to be with her. Guess I already love her a great deal. BACK TO TOP

SHORT CHAT!!!
30/07/96 - Tues - Today, I have been too busy to either work or visit Kat. I am helping Gerhard move his belongings from our old apartment to Trina's. Vera has agreed to store my belongings in her house somewhere. In terms of money owed to Gerhard, it stands at 20,000bfr. I shall try to have this all cleared up in the coming months, in addition to a Winter nest egg to make this coming Winter a shade easier. Although it's a nice day I'm unlikely to be able to work too much.
In fact, it was a write off day for working. Moving all the furniture out of Dambrugge took until nine. Back at Gerhard's, I was reminded that Kat was expecting me, but when I got to her place I got no answer. Returning back, Gerhard said, "Oh, sometimes they don't hear the bell. Just go through the door and up to the second floor. It may be dark in the corridor. There were two bikes outside?"
"Yeah, there were."
"Sven is probably there."
Ah, hah! Um...I'd told Sven the evening before, in understandable ignorance, that I was seeing Kat today, and probably staying the night there.
Sven and Kat have something going?
"Could I find myself walking in at an inconvenient moment?"
"There is a chance of that, I suppose," said Gerhard, "Sven and Kat did have something together."

OK!...Clued up a shade, I went back to Kat. Whether Sven and Kat are having a relationship is not strictly my present concern. My concern is to talk with Kat to privately analyse what and who she is....and what and who she could be.
My perception of inner patterns and energies drifted into overtime from the moment I entered her apartment. A quiet Kat, sitting inaccessibly in the corner of the room. A Sven, who seemed like a mother hen guarding the nest...albeit as unobtrusively as possible. Sara opened her conversation with me, "So Brian, are you still living with Gerhard?"
Something in her tone rankled, but, "Yes, I have been."
"So...how long do you intend staying here?" continued Sara.
Her tone continued to rankle. I did not answer. Gerhard and Karston arrived...and when (finally) Gerhard, Karston and Sven made to leave, so did I.
Even this was later than when I wanted to leave. As I made to leave the apartment Kat, in a sullen way, complained to me, "Short chat?"
I could only look into her eyes and say, "There will be another day." BACK TO TOP

EMOTION IS GOOD! NO?
31/07/96 - Weds - I tried the Cathedral to collect a little money together. I was hungry after the work of the day, but it was low energy...or I was.
I met Ken Post down the 'Doos and he signalled the possibility of 'Taxi stop' having a lift to Bern Thursday morning. I'll need to gather 600+ from Wednesday. Craig Ward said that dEUS plan to replace Stef with three other musicians or singers...and effectively adjust their style. Kat, Sara and her boyfriend arrived. I was sitting with Craig, DaveR and Lena. Kat came over and we hugged, while I explained I couldn't think...let alone talk at her place. She returned to sit with Sara at the other end of the bar...and I joined them to be sociable.
Brian "sociable"?
Kat and Sara were then saying I can sleep round their place as much as I wanted, but I told Kat I may be taking the Taxistop Thursday morning...
"So soon?" she asked, "You find Antwerp boring?"
"No! I don't find Antwerp boring! Quite the opposite!"
"But the money is....?" she moved her hands in a derogatory gesture.
"Not necessarily," I answered, " It's just I see Switzerland as somewhere to work and Antwerp somewhere for fun."

Once more, strange behaviours seemed to swarm over this situation. Kat was held in a comforting hug by Sara for a minute or so...and after this Kat said, "Emotion is good! No?"
"It is!" I answered.
I guess maybe there are words in one of my songs to cover this:
Like some Avant Garde movie where I'd come along too late - and I'd missed the beginning, so I couldn't quite relate
Like a Palace Guard...or, possibly, more like chess pieces protecting their King on the corner of a board - thus was my impression of Kat and her friends. I guess I was ill-humoured - I tend to be when I only have 40 odd francs in my pocket and feel a little out of touch (socially) with what's going on around me.
Sven, Karston and Gerhard arrived, played and then some guy joined us...saying to me half understood comments about his songwriting and my songwriting and why not me sing his songs...or vice versa....or write songs together - and why should he pay three musicians to play his songs when one of them doesn't like him....but can he have a cigarette, because he is out of money...?
Maybe it would be interesting to hear what he truly wanted to say, but a Duvel and a heavy accented English, spoke in a quiet, slightly garbled way made it hard to focus any clear resolution of where he was coming from. BACK TO TOP

Emotional Chess
Dark mood...a tinge of paranoia generally on my surroundings. I picked up my guitar from the stage - I was going. But, despite my confusion, I lingered awhile...somehow feeling the need to project my own defensive energies on such strange behavioural activity.
Kat decided it was time to leave - and outside, I spoke to her,
"Look, you ARE sure you want me to stay? I can stay at Gerhard's?"....this being said in a way that inferred I probably preferred to stay at Gerhard's.
"I'm sorry I didn't speak to you earlier," said Kat, "Tomorrow would be a better time. I still have the food I bought for you, but I need to clear the space for your bed. I need to talk to Sven tonight..."
And vice versa, it would seem. So...my innocent mention of my intention to see Kat to Sven seemed to cause strange re-actions.
Whatever the state of the relationship between Sven and Kat is entirely their business - and not the reason I want to talk to her. Possibly, all the subconscious negativity thrown my way may have deterred someone with no concern for the patterns of Fate. But the resistance, unexpected though it was, makes me think this is an important avenue to be explored in the Labyrinth. For what, and why, I'm not sure! But I am patient - much as I am with Clio in Bern.
If this IS Chess, then I'll play the game a shade while I'm here.
Returning to Gerhard's I met Gerhard on the way and Sven and Kat once more outside the apartment. Upon farewells, Sven phrased his curiously,
"So, Brian! You will go to sleep now? In your room?"
A clucking mother hen? I guess I re-act in ways that confuse people, but what I see in the actions and inner thoughts of those around me is not always reflected by my ouvert behaviour. This cover of ignorance draws out, gradually, elements of truth and true thoughts. Craig Ward and Trina were already at Gerhard's. It was a late night drinking soup and wine. More interweaving patterns became apparent (as the eyes of Craig and Trina shared some history). Craig is involved with 5 bands and one of them play Cartoons Thursday night. It would be interesting to hear them if I'm still here. This, in itself, is 50/50.
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