29/07/96 - Mon - Antwerp (Belgium) - On Saturday evening, my brother finally arrived at the Musiekdoos. The place was empty, however. This time, last year, the Musiekdoos buzzed. Ruana and I were playing there as a duo. Char and Bennie had returned from Spain. You could feel the energy and excitement in the Musiekdoos. Within two days...Ruana and I would be in Balazuc - and only once more (in late October) would our duo be heard in Antwerp. The 'family' would take a strange bouncing road through Europe throughout that Summer.

I spent Saturday night round Vera's, sleeping in Liam's room - and the Sunday afternoon I had about half a pint of blood extracted for the tests in England. I felt a little light headed after that - and a Guinness at the An Sibhin (the 7th Irish bar in Antwerp) contributed to an even lighter feeling.
Vera was working the bar there, and this was the first I had seen of her since coming back.

My brother (Mike) caught the 6pm train back to England and I slept for awhile before heading out late to play the Groen Platz. It was not full, but it
was good energy - almost everyone gave something. A girl on the terrace bought me a drink. She would have offered her apartment to stay, but she
didn't think her 'boyfriend would understand'. No...probably not! She was beautiful, without a doubt.
I made my way to Pierre's, and it was there that I slept the night. Today, I took my rucksack to the launderette and washed my clothes. I was hoping
to catch Trina or Gerhard in, but there was no answer - so I'm stuck with a rucksack in the Cafe Centrum. Maybe I can drop it off at the Musiekdoos
later? Maybe I can just head south again! I'm basically ready to go. I just feel I haven't updated myself enough with everyone here yet.

Where is Kat?

Checking the Pater's, I discovered Kat had 'left the job' two months ago. In fact, within a week or so after I'd left for Aachen with Norman. She's still in her apartment, but I don't know where that is. So...will I see her? I don't know!

As for Ruana, I didn't get a phone call from her yesterday at Vera's. I tried phoning her in the evening, but I got her mother saying Ruana had gone to the Sfinks Festival. The summary is: she didn't phone, although she may have phoned and someone had answered who didn't know I was there...or WOULD be there. I took Ge-Ge's dog 'Luney', or whatever, for a walk with Tanya, and her dog 'Melanie'. I asked Mike to cover the phone, but....
My idea is she never phoned, which, of course, is another question answered. But the Tarot was available at Vera's, so I asked:-
What is Ruana's intention to me?     Answer: XV111 Strength (the 'family' card)
Her most major fear about me?        Answer:  Page of Pentacles
My wisest course of action to Ruana now?   Answer: Ace of Pentacles

Triptolytus was an ordinary boy who saw Persephone (the Priestess) abducted by Hades...disappearing into a hole in the ground into the realm of Hades. For the purpose of the abduction, Hades rode a chariot.
Who am I at present?    Answer: XX1 Priestess...and V111 Magician.

A 'White Sheep' fear of 'Black Sheep' on inner levels? What is a mere hobby may become a vocation, given time...states the Page of Pentacles, but care and patience would be needed. The Ace implies availability of new raw energy for a creative project.
But, in all, this tells me that Ruana is a relic of my past (for the moment). I must concentrate on other fields. The energy I store for Ruana may be better put into more fruitful areas. Ruana will come, or she won't - I feel I have no control of this anymore. It is a futile thing trying to re-construct what has been. She still values the 'family', it would seem. That, I suppose, is better than nothing, which is basically the interaction level there is between us at this point. So...another question answered.

Also, there seems little, or nothing, that needs to be said between Char and I at this point. Antwerp is merely limbo for me, so I'm basically free to travel back to Switzerland. I think I'll do this tomorrow. It is nice to be back in Antwerp, but there is an emptiness about it all. Nothing is greatly happening for me personally. The atmosphere is tepid and clouds block the sun most of the time, despite it being dry and comfortable with temperature. The question I ask is:
Where is Home?

Home is where love is vibrant and fulfilling. Nowhere is this so for me....only tasks, limbo and slim possibilities. I must cast myself into the hands of Fate to find who I truly seek to find. Somewhere, there is my 'wife'. If Ruana is an 'Aunt', the position of 'wife' is unfilled. So now, my quests are set:-

a/ to repay Gerhard in full,

b/ to prepare a Winter nest,

c/ to find my 'wife'.

 

The day has deteriorated to heavy cloud and rain. Feeling tired, I retreated to Gerhard's and slept the afternoon away. Picking up my rucksack, I'm about to have a shower. Whatever spare money I had (about 500bfr) I've given to Gerhard towards the rent, so tonight I am planning to try a couple of bars to get a little brass in pocket. I saw Carlos earlier (Argentinian guitarist). He said he was going to Germany, near Cologne, in the next hour. I was tempted to up and go there with him, but tiredness and the weather deterred me.

As things turned out, I helped Gerhard and his friend shift some of his debris from the old apartment. I must transfer my stuff there to Vera's, or whatever. Having given Gerhard another 500bfr, it left me fairly skint, so I played the not so pleasant Groen Platz. It was the Beiard. There were only three terraces out, but I got 500bfr from it, which meant I could have a drink at the Musiekdoos before playing there. I played all my five most recent songs and Philip's 'Passing it on'. With perfect irony, I gained 300bfr from the twelve or so people who were present there that could be bottled.

So, afterwards, I caught up a little with Everts and Mark Meyers, as Frank arrived to top up my beer supply. I was bubbling a little, but in time I grew tired...and Etienne, mistaking my "Bolleke" for "Porto" leaves me here with a powerful night-cap. I think I'll head home after this and get some sleep. I feel tired. Jeez! My new jeans have got a burn hole in them from a cigarette! Maybe I'm just getting crazy? Or drunk!

Walked awhile with Sven and arrived back at Gerhard's...to see Kat sitting there with him. Guess I couldn't hide my delight. I walked over and gave her a long hug. We talked about Philip and sundry affairs and she eventually left, but she's expecting me to visit her tomorrow. I am expecting myself to visit her tomorrow.
Gerhard says she shares with a girl named Sara, but Kat has already asked her if she minded if I stay there - and Kat has already worked out where I will sleep. I am pleased she is happy to have me stay with her.

 

Meanwhile, Gerhard has been saying that people have been asking him about me. Those who liked me apparently truly missed me. Even those who 'hate' me miss me, it would appear. They would all sit down and discuss me for the duration of a night, swapping distorted (probably) stories and gossip related to me. It seems the irony of this is that people who actively 'hated' me actively missed me also. It's very strange, but understandable if you think deeply about it. Absence grows fonder - familiarity breeds contempt.
I understand this principle, and use it actively in places like Basle...where I hit for a couple of days, cause a stir, then vanish.
But keenly, I want to speak to Kat - to organise my thoughts - and just to be with her. Guess I already love her a great deal.

 

30/07/96 - Tues - Today, I have been too busy to either work or visit Kat. I am helping Gerhard move his belongings from our old apartment to Trina's. Vera has agreed to store my belongings in her house somewhere. In terms of money owed to Gerhard, it stands at 20,000bfr. I shall try to have this all cleared up in the coming months, in addition to a Winter nest egg to make this coming Winter a shade easier. Although it's a nice day I'm unlikely to be able to work too much.
In fact, it was a write off day for working. Moving all the furniture out of Dambrugge took until nine. Back at Gerhard's, I was reminded that Kat was expecting me, but when I got to her place I got no answer.

 Returning back, Gerhard said,

"Oh, sometimes they don't hear the bell. Just go through the door and up to the second floor. It may be dark in the corridor. There were two bikes outside?"
"Yeah, there were."
"Sven is probably there."
Ah, hah! Um...I'd told Sven the evening before, in understandable ignorance, that I was seeing Kat today, and probably staying the night there.
Sven and Kat have something going?
"Could I find myself walking in at an inconvenient moment?"
"There is a chance of that, I suppose," said Gerhard, "Sven and Kat did have something together."

 

OK!...Clued up a shade, I went back to Kat. Whether Sven and Kat are having a relationship is not strictly my present concern. My concern is to talk with Kat to privately analyse what and who she is....and what and who she could be.

My perception of inner patterns and energies drifted into overtime from the moment I entered her apartment. A quiet Kat, sitting inaccessibly in the
corner of the room. A Sven, who seemed like a mother hen guarding the nest...albeit as unobtrusively as possible. Sara opened her conversation with
me, "So Brian, are you still living with Gerhard?"
Something in her tone rankled, but, "Yes, I have been."
"So...how long do you intend staying here?" continued Sara.
Her tone continued to rankle. I did not answer. Gerhard and Karston arrived...and when (finally) Gerhard, Karston and Sven made to leave, so did I.
Even this was later than when I wanted to leave. As I made to leave the apartment Kat, in a sullen way, complained to me, "Short chat?"
I could only look into her eyes and say, "There will be another day."

 

31/07/96 - Weds - I tried the Cathedral to collect a little money together. I was hungry after the work of the day, but it was low energy...or I was.
I met Ken Post down the 'Doos and he signalled the possibility of 'Taxi stop' having a lift to Bern Thursday morning. I'll need to gather 600+ from Wednesday. Craig Ward said that dEUS plan to replace Stef with three other musicians or singers...and effectively adjust their style. Kat, Sara and her boyfriend arrived. I was sitting with Craig, DaveR and Lena. Kat came over and we hugged, while I explained I couldn't think...let alone talk at her place. She returned to sit with Sara at the other end of the bar...and I joined them to be sociable.

Brian "sociable"?

Kat and Sara were then saying I can sleep round their place as much as I wanted, but I told Kat I may be taking the Taxistop Thursday morning...
"So soon?" she asked, "You find Antwerp boring?"
"No! I don't find Antwerp boring! Quite the opposite!"
"But the money is....?" she moved her hands in a derogatory gesture.
"Not necessarily," I answered, " It's just I see Switzerland as somewhere to work and Antwerp somewhere for fun."

Once more, strange behaviours seemed to swarm over this situation. Kat was held in a comforting hug by Sara for a minute or so...and after this Kat said, "Emotion is good! No?"
"It is!" I answered.

I guess maybe there are words in one of my songs to cover this:
Like some Avant Garde movie where I'd come along too late - and I'd missed the beginning, so I couldn't quite relate
Like a Palace Guard...or, possibly, more like chess pieces protecting their King on the corner of a board - thus was my impression of Kat and her friends. I guess I was ill-humoured - I tend to be when I only have 40 odd francs in my pocket and feel a little out of touch (socially) with what's going on around me.
Sven, Karston and Gerhard arrived, played and then some guy joined us...saying to me half understood comments about his songwriting and my songwriting and why not me sing his songs...or vice versa....or write songs together - and why should he pay three musicians to play his songs when one of them doesn't like him....but can he have a cigarette, because he is out of money...?
Maybe it would be interesting to hear what he truly wanted to say, but a Duvel and a heavy accented English, spoke in a quiet, slightly garbled way made it hard to focus any clear resolution of where he was coming from.

 

Dark mood...a tinge of paranoia generally on my surroundings. I picked up my guitar from the stage - I was going. But, despite my confusion, I lingered awhile...somehow feeling the need to project my own defensive energies on such strange behavioural activity.

Kat decided it was time to leave - and outside, I spoke to her,
"Look, you ARE sure you want me to stay? I can stay at Gerhard's?"....this being said in a way that inferred I probably preferred to stay at Gerhard's.
"I'm sorry I didn't speak to you earlier," said Kat, "Tomorrow would be a better time. I still have the food I bought for you, but I need to clear the space for your bed. I need to talk to Sven tonight..."
And vice versa, it would seem. So...my innocent mention of my intention to see Kat to Sven seemed to cause strange re-actions.

Whatever the state of the relationship between Sven and Kat is entirely their business - and not the reason I want to talk to her. Possibly, all the
subconscious negativity thrown my way may have deterred someone with no concern for the patterns of Fate. But the resistance, unexpected though
it was, makes me think this is an important avenue to be explored in the Labyrinth. For what, and why, I'm not sure! But I am patient - much as I am
with Clio in Bern.
If this IS Chess, then I'll play the game a shade while I'm here.

 

Returning to Gerhard's I met Gerhard on the way and Sven and Kat once more outside the apartment. Upon farewells, Sven phrased his curiously,
"So, Brian! You will go to sleep now? In your room?"
A clucking mother hen? I guess I re-act in ways that confuse people, but what I see in the actions and inner thoughts of those around me is not always reflected by my ouvert behaviour. This cover of ignorance draws out, gradually, elements of truth and true thoughts. Craig Ward and Trina were already at Gerhard's. It was a late night drinking soup and wine. More interweaving patterns became apparent (as the eyes of Craig and Trina shared some history). Craig is involved with 5 bands and one of them play Cartoons Thursday night. It would be interesting to hear them if I'm still here.

This, in itself, is 50/50.  

 

HOME IS EMOTIONAL FULFILLMENT 2
The Tortoise and the Hare (rabbit)

 

31/07/96 - Weds - Antwerp (Belgium) - Ken showed me a leaflet inviting musicians to line a hikers' path near Gstaad in Switzerland. The pay is 100
Swiss francs plus whatever is put into the hat. It is scheduled for August 10/11.

A week and a half from now...
"Just send in the leaflet and say you're coming!" said Ken.

Heading out, it was quiet on the terraces. I had to change a five dollar note to put a little money in pocket and get some cigarettes. I met Milligan and his girlfriend - they were sitting on a terrace in the Hoogstraat. He said Vera had been quite worried about where I was. I guess the matter of my sister (leukaemia) would make this so.

Waiting until the bells stopped at six, I proceeded to play the Cathedral terrace. However sparse it was, I needed money. But, as it turned out, it was quite packed by the end of my set - and I received good applause at my bow and "Dank u well". Reasonable money also....with foreign money, about 700bfr.

 But 'heavy clouds' move in to block my prospects of playing the Groen Platz and comfortably clearing myself financially for the Taxistop prospect tomorrow. If Fate wishes me to go it will allow me to gather the necessary funds. If not, then I must await the things that must happen...or the knowledge I must gain here. I must trust time and patience to take me where I'm going.

 

On Kat, the puzzle continues. Gerhard told me the Heartenthieves are playing the Bulle, or whatever it's called. Well..if Kat is going to be there, then she is unlikely to be around at eight o'clock, as she said, for dinner. Or is she?
Well, I'll find out! This is a curious little story for me to stimulate my mind a bit, but I DO feel Kat wishes to speak with me...and, of course, I feel I
should speak to her. It is a simple thing really. So it's amusing, in its way, that such a simple thing is hard to manifest.
One possibility is that Sven has been 'hum-harring' Kat, much as Gerhard did. To feel his patch under threat, as he may feel it, could force his hand; maybe even cast aside the 'hum-harring' toward more commitment.....at least, while I'm around. The first thing to do, in this case, would be to ensure any arrangements I make with Kat (or she makes with me) would be subtly spiked. But one thing can lead to another. It could be Irit will be at the Bulle tonight. If Kat is NOT in, then I shall go there (Bulle) also. Gerhard says there will be three hundred people there. An increased chance of some meeting with SOMEONE occurring. I need to catch the thread of Fate quickly if I'm to be released for Switzerland.
There seems to be a pivotal situation with Sven. He clearly associates with both Kat and Irit. In a way, there has also been a sort of bond between Sven and I.

 I haven't done his birth number - and Kat needs re-doing. I HAVE done Irit and I know the potential there. If I can catch Kat in, maybe I can clear up some patterns occurring around me.

 

Kat was not in...and I went to the Bulle. Gerhard was there, but not Kat. I retraced my way to Kat - not there. So I retreated to Gerhard's apartment - and took the signal to phone Ruana. I got her brother, who said he'll check. He returned quite a time later to say she is very busy with University matters and can I phone tomorrow or another day? The answer came from within me...
"OK! Tell her I wish her luck with University!"
If he passes that on she will know what I mean. It seems she is in love with being a 'white sheep'. This doesn't make a failure for me. A pure 'white sheep' is an identity. So is a 'black sheep'. To be in limbo in between is the worst point. So now I can establish that future interaction between Ruana and I is unlikely. So...to finalize this episode of my life in a satisfactory way, because I DO love her, I must be decisive and 'burn the bridge'. A letter is decisive...

"Hi Ruana! 'Tis Brian here! I hope you have every success with your studies, holidays and life etc.... It was nice to know you - and I'm sorry I'm a little slow and thick skinned at times....a different culture. But I shall not trouble you by phoning anymore. If I'd known it troubled you I would have stopped long ago. Sorry! I could only guess! 'My life is during the day, yours is night'. This is not true! My life is for the moment and the requirements of the moment - within my limitations, of course.

For those who wish me in their life, I try to be there - even when I'm not!

For those who don't? It is a waste of time and energy for me to consider them important to me. So those who say one thing (and do another)...or do one thing
(and say another) can confuse me. But now I've learnt to be slightly amused by it all. As with a friend in another matter. I wanted to speak with her. It seemed she wanted to speak with me. A simple and harmless thing; but hard to achieve.
From your trip to the Ardennes with Bart you have been different. I guess it's hard to defend myself on a phone, especially if I don't know against what I'm defending myself. Gerhard said 'The people who like you REALLY missed you while you were away. Even the people who hated you were saying to me they missed you."
The feeling I have is that you couldn't greatly care less one way or another...and that's fine!

You should always go with your feelings and be true to them. You did say, on your Xmas card, 'I'll see you...one of these days'.
You were accurate!

You saw me on ONE of the days that have led up to now. But it was nice knowing you and I don't regret it...and I do still love you...but phone calls have limits...as must I. But success...and if Rachel finds you one distant year...I hope you will remember me well. xxxBrian"

 

This is the only 'burnt bridge' on all the 'family' so far. That there will be others is always likely. Within the letter there is some bitterness, but I should always go with my feelings also. Ruana dealt with her inner 'weaknesses' by maintaining distance outwardly, but never actually letting go.
A path of Fate has been closed for Ruana. I don't know if this is good or bad for her. On a 'white sheep' level she is doing everything perfectly and dutifully. On a 'white sheep' level she will have a respectable life, doing respectable things. She will blend with the 'white' herd. It's just, somehow, I feel she will always have a part of her unfulfilled, whatever her material success.
For me, Ruana gave some great moments - and some great creativity. I don't regret meeting Ruana at all - after all, she is 'family', whatever else I may try to say about her. She has only to say, "Come!" and I'll come, gladly. That's why the letter is not completely perfect. But it clears my thoughts enough to concentrate on other girls. Unless something dramatic happens, the onus is now on Ruana.

 It doesn't seem likely I will hear from her.

She will be too 'busy' for that.

Ken Post has told me we go 4.30am Friday morning to Luzern. The Musiekdoos tonight was strange. Full of people applauding and then having to go.
It is no wonder musicians don't bother playing the place overmuch. Compared to the terrace I played earlier, it sucks.

 

01/08/96 - Thurs - The curious thing about my set in the 'Doos was the very obvious and genuine applause...even people clapping along to "Washington Square". There were maybe a dozen or so people there - and the problem of this new 'Doos position, as opposed to the old, is lack of passers-by. These would have been drawn in steadily. I was playing well, but still ended up with a virtual empty bar, despite people putting money in the hat before leaving. Someone had got the hat from Ettienne and had shoved money in on behalf of a group of five or six. This was after the third song. He then placed the hat by the stage. I guess there was something going on close by.
Strangely, the same thing happened on Friday night. DaveR played then, and I wandered off to play the Cathedral with a view to to warming up for the 'Doos, as a couple of other musicians were booked to play before me. I wandered off and returned to find the place virtually empty. The 'Doos has changed even over the three months of my absence. It doesn't seem to have much in the way of regulars. It doesn't seem to pull in incidental crowds. Those who do show seem to be 'one drink and go'... on their way to some other destination.
There used to be plenty of pretty girls there; now there are few. This time, last year, it was buzzing (as I said). Now it is a ghost bar almost. It is no
longer a place to go for testing your songs.
Vera once said Antwerp goes in trends and patterns. All of a sudden the 'Pacific' is THE place - after a period of time, it is not. 'Cartoons' is 'cool' for Thursday night right now - at some point it won't be. So what has gone wrong with the Musiekdoos?
For me, personally, it became a place of frienemies, egos and posing imagery. Ettienne once told me he likes the idea that musicians meet ordinary people and talk in a relaxed manner. This has been the basis of the 'Doos. People could go there knowing they will have an opportunity to satisfy their curiosity about the lives of street musicians etc.. Now many of these have gained a certain fame. Therefore, these musicians subconsciously isolate themselves from the ordinary visitor. Instead, they see who's sitting with who - who threatens their image - who hasn't said hello to them.
Pierre said he didn't feel comfortable in the 'Doos last year, with "everyone", it seemed, "looking" at him. I guess I can relate to that. The 'frienemy' assault on me, and others, was sensed by the 'Doos visitors, even if they were only occasional. It warped the atmosphere of the place...to the point where people got confused about whether they should be applauding or not, even though they enjoy the music.

I haven't seen Herman yet.
He was an ally.

 Was he hounded out?

Everts aside, there is no one attempting to initiate new ideas down there anymore. I'm rarely there...as it seems is Herman.

The image merchants are not motivated to endanger their image by playing the 'Doos, because they know image means little once you're on that stage. There is no guarantee the people in there will 'know who you are'. It is just you, your guitar, your voice and your songs...and a neutral audience. If you are 'green' or 'new' they will warmly encourage. If you're not, they will respond or not, feeling your mood or their own - and the better the musician the harder the job is to create re-action.

I have been fairly careful to put in good performances here, as in Basle. It is the next stage. When people see I'm about to play they will be fairly sure I will be playing well. It saves my energy. Word DOES go out on every good show, as it does on every bad show. It is time for Antwerp to hear nothing but good shows from the 'mystery man'. No longer am I always here tomorrow. When I'm in town people will have to catch me them, as in Basle.

Meanwhile, the Taxistop will take Ken and I to Luzern, but it leaves 4.30am tomorrow from central station. So all matters unresolved here must remain that way for the next three weeks (at least).

In the Musiekdoos yesterday, two Swiss girls (Trisha and Faya) showed up, plus two girls from St Gallen. Ken and I have told them where we are most likely to be when we're in Bern. They say they will look for us when they return from their holiday in one and a half weeks.
Now I sit at Vera's, waiting the hour or so until my departure to Luzern. I jammed awhile with Gerhard, and he did a rough recording of "Will u sleep". Trina is going to Germany - it seems fairly permanently.
"Maybe we'll meet some time in Bern?" said she.
The way different worlds can collide in the busker's experience means it would not strike me as unusual to see her there.

 

The terraces were empty, aside from a sparse Groen Platz. I played that for three or four hundred bfr, but I needed seven for the Taxistop. I picked up my rucksack from Gerhard's place and handed back the keys.....then made my way to the Groen Platz and Cafe Centrum. At some point, I got called into the Pelikaan bar. Busker Mick (sadly he died from throat cancer in 2000) bought me a drink, as did another guy who walked in...so I had to have a Kip Curry Smos to soak that up a little. I still needed to play for my Taxistop money. I returned to a Groen Platz with three remaining terraces out, but with enough people to play them. It got me another three hundred. After what I'd spent, I counted up 600 - so on to the 'Doos. The 'Doos was playable - just. But though there weren't many people I got three 50bfr coins. So, after another drink, I found myself with 750. OK for Taxistop! But that's all.

It's a strange thing that when you realise you have no spare money for food...you begin to feel hungry. The prospect was that I would go penniless into Luzern....hungry and out of cigarettes, or the chance of a drink.
Ah well! This is the problem with 'black sheep' life. I made my way to Carttons to catch Craig's band playing.

 

When I arrived there, I saw Kat sitting outside the place with her back to a garage door. I knelt down to where she was sitting....
"You should just walk in!" she said.
"You were there?"
"Yes! I was there! Ringing the bell is not enough! You should just go through the door and up the stairs!"
"I'm sorry!"and I WAS, "You made food for me...and I wasn't there?
She nodded, "But don't worry, it all got eaten."
"I'm sorry!" and I WAS, "I was there at eight! But Gerhard was saying you were going to the festival at the Bulle...so I rang three times, then
thought 'she'll be at the Bulle'....but you weren't! So I returned and tried again."

Kat sighed heavily, "It doesn't matter. I was a little late getting back from my brother's. You can sleep at my place tonight or anytime! Just go there
whenever you like!"
I explained about my imminent departure to Luzern.
"You want money?" she asked.
I did! But found it hard to say so. She gave me 500bfr. I truly needed it. It gave some chance of food and reserves, however little.
"You should be more assertive!" she said, "Just tell me what you want! I like it that way."
She smiled.
"I like the way of wild animals," I replied, " Of freedom of the soul. I do not like to tell people what to do."

There is, after all, more joy and warmth to be had from someone who freely corresponds with your need or will. But I took the hint - for future reference.

"I will pay you back!"
"You do not have to. But, if you wish to, you can pay it this month, this year or five years from now. Only if you feel you can. Maybe you can play me
a song! That would be payment enough." Another Smile.

There seems unconditional love here - maybe both ways.

So, we talked...of white sheep, black sheep and travel....
"I am still thinking of travelling! But I am nervous about it also."
But I think she will travel, because she is looking to take the Fool's Journey....because she is in my line of Fate.