WE MUST DO
IS 17/01/96 AND FOLLOWING
MONTHS OF EMOTIONAL UPHEAVAL I DECIDE IT
MAY BE INTERESTING TO START KEEPING A DIARY ON MY LIFE AND THOUGHTS. SO
BEGAN THE LABYRINTH BUSKER JOURNAL - HANDWRITTEN, WHILE BUSKING,
TRAVELLING, LOVING, SURVIVING IN SEVERAL COUNTRIES.
THE JOURNAL IS AROUND 750,000 WORDS LONG AND REACHED THE END OF ITS LIFE WITH MY RETURN TO ENGLAND AND THE CHANCE OF SEEING MY DAUGHTER REGULARLY.
with thought provoking
articles on busking, philosophy, the universe.
Whole books from a busking diary written while busking Europe in the last years of the last millenium.
Glimpses of a 750,000 word diary that could radically alter your view on life, love and the soul.
|As the diary progressed it
became ever more attuned to the motivations of Heart, Mind, Body and Soul with
their relevance and interaction gradually dissected amongst those who
came my way. People who shared love or any of love's by-products
(including hate) form the spine of the work, but the diary is forever
moving forward at a rapid or gradual pace.
Images or food
Prose and poems
Diary snippets Antwerp,1996
Buskers Good and True
Some fine buskers I've met along the way
Brian Songs for Rachel
Motivation behind some of my songs
A collection of bite size stories and articles
Pick a song and listen on your default player
Labyrinth Busker top Ten
Which pages are hot on www.buskerbrian.com
Things we must do
Antwerp, January '96 - Complete book from diary
Amusement and fracas on a night out in Rome
Belief, Heaven and Zolar
Exploring the need to believe
Tale of Uptown Suzy
Highly charged emotions dominate this event in 1995
The Societies within me
Are you one consciousness, or a vessel for many?
The Missing Link
The Human invasion of Earth
Cranky Brian shoots a theory or two on the universe
Gender Role reversal
No one is 100% male or female. Cue the Heartbreaker.
The Green Busker
It is Spring, 1994 and an inexperienced "busker" takes a ferry to Belgium.
My grandfather was a lighthouseman and farmer in Iceland
Cue the Heartbreaker.
A list of some pages on my sites that may be of interest
Know what you're looking for? Search my site.
Jesus? Celtic or Rangers?
My busking pitch is interrupted by religious zealots promising the "good life".
Lyrics from some of my songs
New Clear Winter
May, 1996, and this diary book heralds a calm before the storm of fascinating experiences that would make the remainder of 1996 so special.
Plato and Socrates debate Beauty
An imaginary debate between plato and Socrates on Beauty.
Hurricane Rita, Asperger's, Bob Dylan
A look at the boxes we use to define mental illness, mild autism and suchlike. Could it be that we are not normal?
Soulmate: A five minute Play
A woman is faced with seeking to isolate one advisor within her. Heart, mind, soul and body present their case in this short Play.
The Tortoise and the Hare (Rabbit)
Two months on from "New Clear Winter" and the busker has aided "Arthur" to lift the sword from the stone. It is time for more adventure in Luzern, Bern and Gstaad.
Home is emotional fulfillment
The main title for the Tortoise and Hare book.
Time is Temperature. They are one and the same, and everything that is, was, and will be, follows a set sequence. This sequence can be defined as "explosion".
Enjoy a few short videos. Show lasts half an hour or so.
|There's always something more to
find with the Labyrinth Busker journal
must do - Chapter Two.
...in which Cranky Brian completes his theorising on matters the Journal will seek to answer and the live commentary on the Antwerp scene around me begins.
17/01/96 - Weds - Antwerp - People were perfectly happy to go on believing the Earth was flat until economic needs drove someone to see if it really was round as some cranks claimed.
Some cranks claimed even more bizarre things which were proved completely untrue. But, at least, they did try to find an answer.
What was the result of a culture discovering the Earth was round?
Economic wealth and knowledge?
I'd say so.
So how would this theory affect my own beliefs? Not about the Earth, but about souls?
It would shake it to the foundations, because I believe in re-incarnation and life after death so I would have to manipulate my continued existence (in my mind) through some inter-woven theory. But really, I feel confident in the immortality of the soul so I'm sure there is an explanation.
Hope you have as much fun reading this as I did writing it - and when you've stopped laughing...mine's a Bolleke (a Belgian beer if you didn't know).
But one strange thought! If this theory is true...then who was born last year (1995) for the soul union of Char and I? And who will be born this year for (1996) for Ruana and I? And who was born (1995) last year for Ruana and Char? I may never meet them, but maybe Rachel will.
Back to Rachel...last year I could feel our souls blending in my short five day visit to her in Ireland.
So who will be born in March/April this year (1996)?
What happened in 1953 - the year before I was born? In Belgium? In Germany? What is the origin of my soul? What is a soul?
Why don't I stop asking impossible questions?
Where do I look now for creativity? On the face of it the 'family' is fine. Char claims it is different now with Bennie. I have my doubts there. I really can see nothing in Bennie aside from an over-sized child, but then he probably has his reasons for not communicating with me. Anyhow, while this tiresome 'second chance' runs its course I am not going to be inspired to write songs about Char.
Yeah, she loves me, but she's not around - she's with Bennie, who, if the truth be known, hates me. So..no inspiration there.
Ruana has severely dented my faith in her despite her talk of 'moods' to explain away the last few weeks. Our friendship is on a very low level at the moment while the poison and the resentment seep out. Once a week I will call her, but she is not inspirational to me for creativity.
I need to believe the songs I'm writing.
So...Char is tied up and Ruana remote, but the 'family' holds together in a sort of limbo state, which could develop into a stagnant state if things remain the same over too long a period. I'm already bored here in Antwerp.
I find it hard to find the energy and incentive to do things and my will to carry on is still low...
AMIDST THE SWEET SMELL OF TRIUMPH
HANGS THE FAINT WHIFF OF DEFEAT ....I need a smile...
18/01/96 - Thurs - Gerhard has been around town the last two days. Last night Kat came into the Muziekdoos and asked me whether I had seen him...
"No, I haven't," I replied, " As far as I am aware, he's rehearsing and playing with Sven and Karston."
She sighed and went off on her own somewhere.
So...who is Kat?
I felt very pleased to see her walk into the 'Doos and I feel she is special in some way. Well...she is very special to Gerhard...so maybe that's it.
She came to visit me when I moved into Gerhard's appartment and for about four hours she questioned me about the 'family'. When I used the birth numbers system on her she didn't directly relate..but, as I told her, neither did Pierre, Char's brother. The system is only a guideline for me, not a religion.
It has helped me isolate Char, Ruana, Gerhard and Ophelia as somehow significant here in Antwerp.
Each of these people have their own cliques and associations, many of which, like Bennie or Bart, have no great relevance to me. But Pierre has. Kat may do, because it is not really birth numbers that guides me, but my inner senses, my subconscious, my soul.
I feel empathy and affection for Pierre and Kat, so they may have a place in my path...however large or small. When Kat and Gerhard slept together in our appartment a few days ago I found the awareness of their presence in the other room warming. When they woke up I felt entirely natural with them both.
Meanwhile,I still wait for Char to call round or 'find' me as she said she would, but now I do understand, through Gerhard, what must be achieved between Char and I. We must eventually (or I must) learn how to completely relax in each other's company. Gerhard and I are totally able to do our own thing in the enclosed space of the appartment, which means that when we talk it is relaxed, not contrived. At the moment ( and even last Spring) , as I see Char so little I feel I must always keep her attention. I talk too much, probably.
The psychology behind that is straight-forward. Char's tendency to disappear the moment you concentrated your attention elsewhere and her shutting me out - real or imagined - has left a scar on my confidence with her.
A situation must be found where we have time to NOT talk - as with Gerhard and I, or Ruana and I in Balazuc.
This is important, because Char, Ruana and Gerhard are all Flemish speaking. That is their first language. Ruana has an excellent facility for English, but Char and Gerhard need to concentrate their minds a bit more when they speak to me. So the spells of silence, private thoughts and activities in between conversation are really quite important. Although we may be concentrating on different things we will be able to feel each other's presence...and in a state of togetherness unspoken we can relax, knowing that we DON'T have to say anything until we similarly relax into conversation...because we have found something we both want to talk or joke about.
I have come to some private decisions about Char. I feel fairly certain what I hope will be between us. But it may take a great deal of patience before what I want to happen will happen. If I'm lucky, maybe the chance will come quicker than imagined. To achieve my hopes with her it would help greatly to travel with her. We half- talked over that possibility last Friday. I hope it will come together.
Meanwhile, Gerhard said he would like to travel with me to the south of Europe...but, really, his mind and intentions fly every which way and probably tomorrow he will be saying he's hoping to go there with Sven or whoever. So the most likely scenario is me heading down there on my own.
Ruana is likely to remain mostly distant to me until, at least, late June...when she finishes her exams. I really don't know if we will ever regain the closeness we had last Summer. Her mind races every which way also. I don't especially feel inclination to see her too much at this moment...and I'd guess she is of the same mind. But a weekly call will keep us in touch until we find the right time and mind for closer contact.
Meanwhile, January stays boring and worse: uncreative still.
19/01/96 - Fri - And so it goes....with Ruana and Char, separate or together, have we agreed or spoken of projects or things we must do.....and so it goes....
Gerhard, I think, is much the same. Most of the way it all comes to naught - and while we're saying this I must appreciate that I am just as bad as any of them.
So far...there's been a change of pen, a "we must play a set down the'Doos", a "we must go to Switzerland etc." thing and now a "we must form a band".
Well...all these ideas are great, but "we must" needs to become "we will", which then needs to become "we have".
So the line of Fate leads me to Char, Ruana and Gerhard. Why? So I can just drift into the sunset with nothing of relevance achieved?
Gerhard said," You write good text and melodies and you have a good voice, but you need musicians to back you up and thought out arrangements."
Well, yes.... I'd say that is a fair assessment. My musicianship is still under development. My voice is not what you would call a clean, precise voice like Helen or Stef. It's a shade rough round the edges, but it has a sort of power of its own...and I've seen many females melt at the sound of it, from elderly to schoolgirl.
So...although I personally get annoyed at my voice misbehaving and being erratic...I DO know it has power - and I use that power to keep me alive.
COMPLETE ONLINE DIARY SEGMENTS:
Want something to read for an hour or two?
Then the life and loves of a busker can take you into his world for awhile. Reliant entirely on his music and what he can earn from it in bars, on terraces and the street (plus the mutual aid and faith of his friends), he colours his inner and outer worlds with layers of purpose and belief that stretch from real, felt, imaginary to flights of fancy.
What actually is real, felt, imaginary or a flight of fancy can often surprise him as well as those who line his path.
The busker monitors his path as Lone Wolf in the spirit world of the Soul as love and relationship quandaries abound in an historic Swiss city.
With close to zero busking experience, a man sallies forth from Britain with an idea of busking to survive. He had a one way ticket, no money and a massive well of despair.
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do
Other sites presented by the Labyrinth Busker journal:
audio.buskerbrian.com My songs with lyrics
free.buskerbrian.com About me
home.buskerbrian.com Loads of articles, stories and titbits
apachejohn.buskerbrian.com Bishop's Stortford based band
leddrain.buskerbrian.com Swiss based singer/songwriter
wolf.buskerbrian.com Busking adventures in Bern
wildwolf.buskerbrian.com Part Two: Busking adventures in Bern
moon.buskerbrian.com My music, plus featured acts. plus colour
as.buskerbrian.com Asperger's Syndrome
pearce.buskerbrian.com Family Photos over 100 years
Iceland Genealogy Family ancestry over 1,000 years
Pearce Genealogy British ancestry (Hornchurch. Rickling Green)
Cranky Brian "History of time" Provoking ideas in philosophy and science
My space Become a friend
Contact me Just that
Online Diary Podcasts
|COMPLETE ONLINE DIARY
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do