WE MUST DO
IS 17/01/96 AND FOLLOWING
MONTHS OF EMOTIONAL UPHEAVAL I DECIDE IT
MAY BE INTERESTING TO START KEEPING A DIARY ON MY LIFE AND THOUGHTS. SO
BEGAN THE LABYRINTH BUSKER JOURNAL - HANDWRITTEN, WHILE BUSKING,
TRAVELLING, LOVING, SURVIVING IN SEVERAL COUNTRIES.
THE JOURNAL IS AROUND 750,000 WORDS LONG AND REACHED THE END OF ITS LIFE WITH MY RETURN TO ENGLAND AND THE CHANCE OF SEEING MY DAUGHTER REGULARLY.
with thought provoking
articles on busking, philosophy, the universe.
Whole books from a busking diary written while busking Europe in the last years of the last millenium.
Glimpses of a 750,000 word diary that could radically alter your view on life, love and the soul.
|As the diary progressed it
became ever more attuned to the motivations of Heart, Mind, Body and Soul with
their relevance and interaction gradually dissected amongst those who
came my way. People who shared love or any of love's by-products
(including hate) form the spine of the work, but the diary is forever
moving forward at a rapid or gradual pace.
Images or food
Prose and poems
Diary snippets Antwerp,1996
Buskers Good and True
Some fine buskers I've met along the way
Brian Songs for Rachel
Motivation behind some of my songs
A collection of bite size stories and articles
Pick a song and listen on your default player
Labyrinth Busker top Ten
Which pages are hot on www.buskerbrian.com
Things we must do
Antwerp, January '96 - Complete book from diary
Amusement and fracas on a night out in Rome
Belief, Heaven and Zolar
Exploring the need to believe
Tale of Uptown Suzy
Highly charged emotions dominate this event in 1995
The Societies within me
Are you one consciousness, or a vessel for many?
The Missing Link
The Human invasion of Earth
Cranky Brian shoots a theory or two on the universe
Gender Role reversal
No one is 100% male or female. Cue the Heartbreaker.
The Green Busker
It is Spring, 1994 and an inexperienced "busker" takes a ferry to Belgium.
My grandfather was a lighthouseman and farmer in Iceland
Cue the Heartbreaker.
A list of some pages on my sites that may be of interest
Know what you're looking for? Search my site.
Jesus? Celtic or Rangers?
My busking pitch is interrupted by religious zealots promising the "good life".
Lyrics from some of my songs
New Clear Winter
May, 1996, and this diary book heralds a calm before the storm of fascinating experiences that would make the remainder of 1996 so special.
Plato and Socrates debate Beauty
An imaginary debate between plato and Socrates on Beauty.
Hurricane Rita, Asperger's, Bob Dylan
A look at the boxes we use to define mental illness, mild autism and suchlike. Could it be that we are not normal?
Soulmate: A five minute Play
A woman is faced with seeking to isolate one advisor within her. Heart, mind, soul and body present their case in this short Play.
The Tortoise and the Hare (Rabbit)
Two months on from "New Clear Winter" and the busker has aided "Arthur" to lift the sword from the stone. It is time for more adventure in Luzern, Bern and Gstaad.
Home is emotional fulfillment
The main title for the Tortoise and Hare book.
Time is Temperature. They are one and the same, and everything that is, was, and will be, follows a set sequence. This sequence can be defined as "explosion".
Enjoy a few short videos. Show lasts half an hour or so.
|There's always something more to
find with the Labyrinth Busker journal
must do - Chapter Nine.
...in which cynicism rides to the
02/02/96 - Fri - Antwerp - I had a pretty good night last night for a change. Pierre and Fillipe said David Lloyd was playing Mollys so I thought, "Why not?"
It was one of those nights when you say to yourself you'll go after this drink - and, all of a sudden, find someone has bought you another one.
But I woke up late today...about 2.30pm.
The Muziekdoos was crap tonight. I caught the bad time on a Friday..around midnight...didn't play that good anyway. Not really in the mood much tonight. The Cathedral got me 500Bfr, but I wasn't in the mood that much.
The story about the badges was clarified by Gerhard a bit. Some sort of compromise. You are supposed to have a badge, but you don't have to wear it. What bullshit!
Can't concentrate my mind too much at the moment. Seems Pommie is really getting into being domesticated...
"Gonna get married soon! Gonna re-decorate the bedroom for my baby! Gonna work every hour I can!"
Well, I'm gonna stop writing for now, because this is basically uninteresting. Maybe I'll be more inspired tomorrow.
03/02/96 - Sat - Woke up by the doorbell going. Gerhard had got himself lucky for the night. But I'd been alseep...having one of those paranoid dreams where suddenly you feel insecure - and you want to wake up in order to see who's intruding. In my dream I was forcing myself to wake up and opening my eyes to see white curtains with loosely laid out floral patterns.
Then I'd think,"Ah, I'm awake,", but then I'd stumble around the room and I'd realise I wasn't awake.
That made me vulnerable, as I sensed someone else was there and that they intended harm. So I felt defenceless, because I wasn't awake...yet I kept walking the building seeking the intruder and trying to force myself awake.
I was so disorientated by it all that when the doorbell rang I couldn't get a sense of where I was laying...or even which building. I got up and walked into the front room, instead of the kitchen where the bell phone actually was.
This is the second time I've had this sort of dream since moving in here. But every now and then I have one like this. Anxiety?
The girl Gerhard had with him seemed a shade cliche, "I don't think I'll live much longer."
"Oh? How old are you then?" I asked.
"Well then, you're doing fine! Once you get to 30 you can say 'I'm not going to live until 40' - once you get to 40? The same about being 50 and then for 60, until eventually you're 70 or more and lost the ability to count anymore."
"40? Ugh!!! That's too old!"
As I said...cliche.
Meanwhile, I wonder would I feel comfortable bringing a girl back to this appartment? I don't know.
Do I subconsciously dismiss the idea, if only for the sheer bother of it all? Well..on the whole Gerhard tends to be (at least) out until late most nights and sometimes, fairly often, he doesn't appear at all....in which case there is no problem. But the idea of bringing a girl back and arranging the right level of privacy deters me a little. I can only remember once having sex with awareness of others sleeping close by. In a caravan which housed four guys (including me) on an archaeological dig in Somerset.
Mind you...that was great sex. She was red hot.
Whatever, I'd say it would work out ok.
04/02/96 Sun - It was good hunting today. Two busking pitches yielded well and so did the Muziekdoos...despite a string busting on me. If you count the Guilders it's a 2,000Bfr day, but it could have been more. I left the 'Doos about half past midnight to get my spare E string from the appartment. I just couldn't fancy walking all the way back to the Cathedral pitch. I had eaten only a Smos all day and a cup of 'Winnys' coffee ( a diabolical Arabica coffee brand Gerhard had bought) made me feel quite ill.
Maybe the coffee is specially blended with choice camel dung, but its aroma is that of exclusive and distinctive puke. It is probably an excellent purgative.
A wave of tiredness swept over me, but it took several hours before I actually slept. Stress? Anxiety?
I have the electricity money. Now it's the rent to get. I'm impatient to get as much of it as possible as quickly as possible so that I can have it for next Sunday...my target.
We have no hot water at the moment. The water heater is leaking gas, so Friday night I had to ask Vera to use use her facilities. I hope the heater is fixed quickly. Simple things like having a shave become problematic.
Meanwhile, I think I should be more sympathetic to people's distress, real or imagined. Ingrid "I'm 23" said very little to me...and, it seems...very little to Gerhard. In the'Doos last night I saw Gerhard after I'd been out working....
"She was a strange girl, don't you think?" asked Gerhard, with a serious, puzzled demeanour.
"Yeah, she was! She didn't speak much. Did she speak much to you after I'd gone?"
"No, but she stayed until I had to go out. So I said to her 'look! I must go out now...you can come with me if you wish' "
One assumes she went her own way.
That she was depressed over something was obvious. She spent a good deal of time with her head slumped on her hands. Well, impressions are important to girls around here. She must have seen something about Gerhard that promised to ease her distress (aside from the sex). But Gerhard is not yet capable of dealing with that kind of situation. His sister and his mother both present different emotional dilemnas...as did Inge. I think it would take a special girl to penetrate his emotional boundaries. Probably someone like Ruana.
Last night I was thinking about ceasing the weekly calls to her...and thus placing my own emotional boundaries into free fall. The 'family' is stagnant. It may be time to leave further contact, or lack of it, to Fate. I need to open myself to other possibilities.
That is difficult when you are chained to the past. Remember Orpheus...
Orpheus had a wife, whom he much loved. But, through ill chance, she died. Grief stricken, Orpheus determined to enter the realm of Hades itself to try to bring her back. Orpheus was the sweetest lyre player the world had known. He disregarded the fact that no one may re-emerge from Hades...and so he set forth. By the use of his music he so charmed the Guardian and his minions that the torture of the damned was suspended for awhile.
The Guardian agreed to release Orpheus's wife, but made stipulations, "You may walk out of here and she will follow, but you must never look back to see if she is behind you until you are beyond my boundaries."
So, thus agreeing, he set forth out of Hades and his wife followed. But Orpheus, driven by a seed of doubt, forgot the warning and looked back. Thus was his wife lost to him forever.
Heart broken, he wandered the world of men a sad and lonely figure, but his music charmed them. But eventually, a God's jealousy caused the Wild Maeneds to rip him apart limb from limb.
Is phoning Ruana looking back? The Mythic Tarot identified me as the King of Fishes (Orpheus). Shouldn't I be looking forward to new contacts and trusting that situations already initiated will stand or fall without my attention?
As for being torn apart limb from limb by friends and enemies alike....such is the path I have chosen. Such has been my Fate. Such is the source of my strength.
At the end, there is only me - and Rachel.
05/02/96 - Mon - Got the electricity bill in my pocket. I shall have to make sure I get it paid today. The hardest bit now: the rent. Maybe I've got about 500Bfr left after the electricity. My target needs to be 500Bfr a day and then 1,000Bfr a day over the weekend. It is achievable, but it's going to be a hard week because I need to earn living expenses as well.
Meanwhile, while Ingrid was in the appartment last Friday, Gerhard and I teamed up well on an Elvis song we'd learnt. Since then I have learnt two more. Doing Elvis songs is not exactly my bag, but a CD Gerhard played me has three songs with Elvis and his guitar only, which are short, while also saying something I can (or feel I may) relate to. My favourite is 'In my way' - a beautiful song of farewell. Another is 'Lonely man', a perfect image of busking town to town. The other one is 'Forget me never'- a bit more sugar lumpy, but may come in useful.
As these songs are so short I can put them into an atmospheric medley. One problem with that is the song 'Forget me never' - my voice pitches too high in the key which suits the other two.
Yesterday, I woke up fairly late...went to my coffee 'fix' in De Klamper...and when I came back Gerhard was gone...I assume to his parents. So I haven't seen him since Friday night.
Went to do a pitch on the Meir about 5.30pm, usually a good time. But although there were plenty of children around it was too difficult to create an atmosphere. It seemed to be some sort of orthodox Jewish outing for kids and, unfortunately, the old Spike Milligan joke (Jewish piano = a cash register) seemed to hold true. Little money to be had.
So I remembered my stomach. I went into Mcdonalds (why?), forgetting all about the far tastier Sharra Pizza only waiting there across the road.
The Diamant phone didn't work. It took my first 5BFR and seemed perfectly happy and content with that - refusing to accept any more of my generosity.
Determined, however, to be generous I tried the station phone, which was more amenable. In fact, the background was freely supplemented with the musical (maybe it's shamanistic) drone of machinery, with occasional rapping from the railway station announcer. From the sound of it, Flemish announcements are as unintelligible as English ones ( and, come to think of it, as unintelligible as most rapping songs). I wonder what they're really saying...
"The train that was standing on platform 6 was the last train to Mechelen, so, tough shit! You've missed it." ....or..."I'm so depressed! You know? My wife doesn't understand me. But then, neither do you..."
COMPLETE ONLINE DIARY SEGMENTS:
Want something to read for an hour or two?
Then the life and loves of a busker can take you into his world for awhile. Reliant entirely on his music and what he can earn from it in bars, on terraces and the street (plus the mutual aid and faith of his friends), he colours his inner and outer worlds with layers of purpose and belief that stretch from real, felt, imaginary to flights of fancy.
What actually is real, felt, imaginary or a flight of fancy can often surprise him as well as those who line his path.
The busker monitors his path as Lone Wolf in the spirit world of the Soul as love and relationship quandaries abound in an historic Swiss city.
With close to zero busking experience, a man sallies forth from Britain with an idea of busking to survive. He had a one way ticket, no money and a massive well of despair.
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do
Other sites presented by the Labyrinth Busker journal:
audio.buskerbrian.com My songs with lyrics
free.buskerbrian.com About me
home.buskerbrian.com Loads of articles, stories and titbits
apachejohn.buskerbrian.com Bishop's Stortford based band
leddrain.buskerbrian.com Swiss based singer/songwriter
wolf.buskerbrian.com Busking adventures in Bern
wildwolf.buskerbrian.com Part Two: Busking adventures in Bern
moon.buskerbrian.com My music, plus featured acts. plus colour
as.buskerbrian.com Asperger's Syndrome
pearce.buskerbrian.com Family Photos over 100 years
Iceland Genealogy Family ancestry over 1,000 years
Pearce Genealogy British ancestry (Hornchurch. Rickling Green)
Cranky Brian "History of time" Provoking ideas in philosophy and science
My space Become a friend
Contact me Just that
Online Diary Podcasts
|COMPLETE ONLINE DIARY
Tortoise & Hare
New Clear Winter
Monster in NY
Things we must do